My Life, My Love
by Chelle-Lynn
Summary: Lily looks back on her seventh year and the experiences she never expected to have, especially falling in love, even more that it was with a man she never expected to like, let alone love. Rated T for some difficult situations later in the story.
1. Prologue

_**Disclaimer: I do not own any HP characters, including (but not limited to) Lily Evans, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, or Peter Pettigrew. Characters such as Gabrielle, Katherine and Christine are used for plot development, and are purely fictional. Any relation to actual people is completely coincidental. **_

_**A/N: Just so you all know, my goal for the prologue was 1000 words, my shortest chapter, I promise. I didn't want to give too much away. From there on out, my goal for each chapter is 2000 words, and I will only write less than that if it is ABSOLUTELY necessary to the plot. Chances are, my rough draft will be less than 2000, and I will revise it and expand upon it to make more. **_

**This story is rather important to me, for reasons that will be made more clear as the story progresses. I will not accept any flames. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. **

**As it is now, I have a few chapters written, and a few more with pieces written. I won't make any promises that I will finish this, as I have not yet finished any of my chapter fics. But, I'm hoping with some constant encouragement, I'll actually write, and may actually finish it. If you have any ideas, feel free to tell me about them, though I make no promises that your ideas will be included. I have an outline, and I plan to stick with it. **

**Now that that's taken care of, on with the story:**

_Prologue_

Life itself is filled with twists and turns. You expect it to go one way, and instead it goes the complete opposite. My life is the prime example of this. I went through my childhood, living in an ordinary neighborhood, and expected to grow up and live in the same neighborhood all my life. That changed when I got a letters telling me that I had been accepted into a prestigious school for my last seven years. That wasn't the biggest shock, but I'll get to that later. Once I got to the school, I began to form a new set of expectations, of blending into the crowd, getting the work done, graduating, and becoming a Healer. Nothing extraordinary. Of course, nothing seems to go the way I expected.

My name is Lily Evans. And before you ask, Lily is not short for Lillian. It's just Lily. The prestigious school I've been attending for the past six and a half years would be Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. That's right, I'm a witch. Just my luck to grow up in a completely normal neighborhood and be the farthest thing from normal that my neighbors have ever seen. Not that they know. About me being a witch, I mean. No, that has been my family's secret since I got my acceptance letter when I was eleven, with strict instructions to curb suspicion about where I disappeared to nine months out of the year.

As for my expectation for blending in, it didn't work too well. I can blame my red hair for that. If I had been a brunette or blonde like the rest of the female population at Hogwarts (or so it seemed), I could've blended in so much better. It didn't help that no one in my family has a drop of magical blood in them. That would make me a muggle-born witch, and people like me aren't looked at too favorably by a quarter of the student population at Hogwarts, and even some of the staff.

Of course, I like to think of myself as better than those that would put me down, simply because I don't discriminate based on status. Just a glance at my friends will tell you that.

There's Gabrielle, who moved to England from France when she was ten, and comes from a high society family, and will probably marry into another one right out of school out of obligation to her family. Then there's Katherine, who is one of the poorest pure-blooded witches at the school, whose dream is to simply get through school so that she can get a good job and help support her family. Christine finishes the group, being an average, half-blooded witch, with just enough will to get through school before starting up a business in London.

We're all Gryffindors, supposedly the bravest girls in the school. We all claim that we'd probably fit into another house better, but then there wouldn't be enough Gryffindor girls for our year. I suppose there must be something brave in us, or the sorting hat wouldn't have considered putting us in the house, but we haven't found it yet. Then again, we're not exactly looking for it, either. So far, we're all content with our studies, not necessarily in the school sense, because, with the exception of myself, the others don't care all that much about school work. Or at least they don't obsess about school work. One of the things I both hate and love about them.

The rest of my expectations have mostly been right on. I've studied and studied to catch up with all the students that grew up with magic. And I've come out on top. I was made Head Girl at the beginning of this year, much to my surprise and the delight of my friends. Of course, they just thought that they could get out of trouble with me being in a position of power. I don't think that idea lasted too long. They do get access to the prefect common room on occasion, though, since most of the prefects prefer their own common rooms to the shared prefect one. We have run into the Head Boy and his friends a few times, as they seemed to have the same idea as we did. But I'll get to him later.

The main surprise in my life, though, hasn't been getting noticed, or even learning that I've been a witch. As odd as it might seem, the biggest surprise was falling in love. The person I fell in love with made it even odder, but I never dreamed of falling in love while I was in school. I always thought that people weren't mature enough for love in their teens. All the talk about people finding their soul mates before facing the real world was some sort of ridiculous concept to me. I never really thought of myself being in love until I had established a career, maybe bought a house. I wasn't the type of girl that would imagine her wedding as a little girl, and dream to have it happen as soon as possible. And truly, I didn't have much interest in boys. Not that they've exactly been interested in me, and if they have, they do a mighty good job at hiding it. It has made things simpler, though. I don't have to worry about putting makeup on, or dressing in the latest styles. I could just be myself. I figure I'm not going to go out of my way to catch anyone's attention, and if it was 'meant to be,' it'll happen regardless of whether or not I try to make it.

Enough of my philosophy on love, though. The reason I'm here is to tell you my tale, my life from the moment I discovered my love, though I didn't know it at the time. No clichés, no elaborate plots, no fancy descriptions (well, maybe a few, but I'm a girl, what do you expect?). I'm going to tell it exactly as I see it, with hindsight, of course. It started about nine months ago, now…


	2. The Summer It Started

**A/N: Oh, come on... not a single review? Do you people honestly hate my story that much?**

**It took me forever to find a divider that actually worked in this format, since my usual one isn't (which is really a pity, because my usual divider is pretty). At any rate, here's the first official chapter of my story. Let me know if you like it. Pretty please. I won't be enticed to write more if people aren't reading it.**

O.O

Chapter One: The Summer It Started

"So, you have no idea who Head Boy is?" Christine asked for the umpteenth time.

"No, but I have a feeling you know and are just trying to get me to guess, so you can get some sort of reaction out of me when you do tell me," I responded calmly, examining my nails as I hold the phone up to my ear. Christine is the only one of my friends that has a phone, and is therefore my only link to the wizarding community on break. Her affinity for gossip doesn't hurt matters, so I end up getting more news than half the students in the school over break.

"You know me too well. Of course, you're probably not going to react at all no matter how hard I try, so I'm wondering why I bother…" she said, chewing her bubble gum (Drooble's Best, of course) while she's talking.

"Christy, spit it out. And I don't mean the gum." I listened as she took a deep breath, as if preparing herself for a bubble blowing contest, and then said some name fast and loud. I held the phone away from my ear, earning a strange look from my mom. "One more time, this time slower and softer."

"James Potter. Can you believe it?"

"Potter, huh? Well, I think you've earned your reaction this time, Christy. How on earth could anyone who spends all his time breaking the rules be made Head Boy? I think we should call St. Mungo's and have the heads of entire staff checked," I said, looking around to make sure my mother wasn't eavesdropping again.

"He'll know that you're Head Girl by now. Maybe he'll try to contact you," Christy said quietly.

"That's just what I need… another owl scaring the living daylights out of my family, and earning some stares from the neighbor. They're already mindful of when I walk around. Probably think I'm possessed or something."

"Since when did you care what your neighbors think of you? Not like they have the slightest clue what sort of abilities you have. Their loss, too… muggles could benefit so much from a little magic in their lives," she noted absentmindedly.

"You been reading that awful Muggle Studies book again?" I asked, raising my eyebrow slightly.

Christy replied with a strong voice. "That's not the point anyway. You have to act civil to him this year."

"I do act civil to him, and as long as he doesn't bother me, I will continue to remain civil. Of course, I can't just stand by while he bullies those who he deems lesser than him. Besides, he should stay away from me. Lord knows I've rejected his offers for dates enough for him to realize that I'm simply not interested."

"Then again, he may use this new office of his to try to get you to go out with him once and for all. This is James Potter we're talking about. Easily one of the most popular guys in school, deathly afraid of commitment to any girl, and yet thinks he's god's gift to women everywhere. Call me crazy, but I don't think he's about to give up on one of the few girls that have ever rejected him," Christy reasoned.

"Yeah, well, let me dream, will ya?" I said, leaning back against the cushions of the chair I was sitting in.

"Lily, dear, would you come in here please?" Mum called from the kitchen.

"Be right there, Mum," I said to her. "Listen, Christy, my mum wants me to help her cook dinner for tonight. Petunia's coming for a visit, for whatever reason. I'll call you later, if I can ever get away from them."

"Alright. And if he does send you something, at least read it… it could make good gossip." Christy giggled slightly and said her goodbyes. I shook my head slowly and hung up the phone, making my way into the kitchen, where Mum was leaning over the stove.

"As much as I could use your help, dear, there's a note for you over there, on the windowsill. On your way upstairs, will you put away the towels on the table, please," Mum said in a tight voice. She'd been eavesdropping again. Of course, she didn't understand why I was rejecting James so much, but she didn't know how he acted. Or at least, that was the excuse I used to convince myself that she'd disapprove of him in some way. My mother may get on my nerves, but I couldn't stand it if she didn't approve of my boyfriend.

I walked over and grabbed the letter. It was written on a thick parchment, so it was obviously delivered by owl. Thank goodness my mother has become used to getting owls, unlike Petunia, who still screams every time she sees one, even if it isn't a trained wizarding owl. I turned the letter over in my hands, instantly recognizing the handwriting. Smiling to myself, I grabbed the towels off the table and walked up the stairs to put them in the closet. I heard Mum mumbling something (no doubt about me) from the kitchen, but I had long ago learned to not bother understanding what it was she was mumbling. The breeze from my open window greeted me as I stepped into my room and sat down on my bed, carefully opening the letter.

It was from Gabrielle, and from the messy look of the writing, I guessed that she had written it in a hurry. I scanned over the letter and laughed a little to myself.

_Lily, _

_My mum would kill me if she found out I was writing right now, since I am supposed to be reading some big novel she gave to me a couple hours ago. I just had to contact you. Christine told me that you made Head Girl! I am so proud of you. You will not let the power go to your head, now will you? Be good and I will see you September first!_

_Gabby_

I reread the letter several times, and notice that she wrote with an air of elegance, but still managed to sound like a teenage girl. I quickly slipped the letter back into its envelope and slid it in my desk drawer just in time to see my mother standing in the doorway.

"Who was the letter from, dear?" she asked, though I could tell it was more that she just wanted to make small talk before asking me to do something.

"Just Gabby. She just wanted to say congrats."

"That's good. Now, could you help me with dinner?" she said, nonchalantly.

"Sure, Mum. I'll be right down." I said quietly, not noticing the owl that was entering my room through my still open window.

O.O

The rest of the evening was uneventful, as usual. Petunia and her dear _Vernon_ came by, and spent half the evening making snide remarks toward me, without Mum or Dad noticing. I went to my room as early as I could, hoping to stay calm enough not to accidentally perform any magic. I know some people in high places, but nothing would help me if I _accidentally _caused, say, my sister's teeth to grow anymore. They deserve each other, her and Vernon. They are both hideous according to society's standards, and they obviously don't love each other, they just couldn't find anyone else to spend life with and wondered why not. Of course, Petunia wants him for money, since she's under the impression that he's going to become successful in that drill company he works at. As if! They both want utter normalcy, so, as usual, Vernon despises me just because I'm a witch. I'm used to it now. I'm hated in the muggle world because I'm a witch, and hated in the wizarding world because I'm muggle born. There's just no justice in the world.

Right, back to that night. I went up to my room, and noticed another letter on my window seat. I walked across the room and picked it up, shocked by its weight. I really shouldn't have been. I mean, he would've sent something eventually. That's just how he is. I opened the letter and confirmed my suspicions. James Potter had sent me a letter, and a bracelet, to congratulate me on making Head Girl. The bracelet was gorgeous, so much so that I couldn't bear to just toss it to the side like I normally do. It was gold, with little rubies studded in the chain, with a plate simply engraved _Lily Evans, Head Girl 1977-1978. _So simple, and yet, so elegant. The letter shocked me the most, though.

_Dear Lily,_

_I know we haven't been the best of friends, but since we have to work together this year, I'd like to try to at least be civil towards each other. I promise I won't try to get you to go out with me. Consider the bracelet a congratulations and a peace offering. I don't want to ruin your last year at Hogwarts. I'll see you on September 1st. _

_James_

No egotistical remark about how he made Head Boy and deserved it oh-so-much, no begging for a date, nothing. And the thought running through my head at that moment: 'Maybe this year wouldn't be as bad as I thought.'

O.O

Leave it to me to make an assumption like that. Well, to tell you the truth, without giving too much away, it wasn't as bad as I was thought. It wasn't exactly great, though. Please forgive me, I'm getting ahead of myself again. Just to be nice, I sent James a letter thanking him for the bracelet, and congratulating him on making Head Boy. I also made the promise that I'd do my best to act more civil. Well, I might've not said it so nicely, but keep in mind that I did hate him at this time. What was I supposed to do? Just give up on all the hatred that I'd held for him for at least the past two years? I think not. I didn't hear from him after I sent off that letter, which makes me wonder if he was really hurt by it or not.

Back to the point. The next week I went shopping at Diagon Alley with Christine. The trip was pretty normal. Nothing special about it, except that there was a sale on dress robes at Madame Malkin's, so we picked up a new set, just in rest of the summer went by pretty much without consequence. I heard from my other friends a couple times, thanks to Christine sending their letters through the muggle post, in order to avoid more suspicion of me in the neighborhood. She sent me a couple of old Daily Prophets, to keep me updated on the more commonly known news in the wizard world, namely, the status of one Lord Voldemort. By now, he is one of the most powerful wizards of our time, but he hasn't made the headlines as much as he seemed to during the school year. Our guess (and by our, I mean Christine's and mine) is that he is spending time gathering supporters, those who have recently graduated from their schooling, or will within the next few years.

It's only going to get worse at this point. I am truly scared for the future of the entire world, wizarding and muggle alike, because Voldemort will not stop at muggles, or even muggles in Europe. He will continue to expand his influence until everyone still alive is either afraid for their lives, or on his side. He reminds me of the stories my father used to tell me about Stalin and Hitler just a few years ago, except much, much worse. That's if he's not stopped. Of course there are Aurors fighting against him, and the Ministry is recruiting wizards from other countries to aid in the fighting, but so far it hasn't made much difference. Hogwarts is one of the only safe places on earth, and that is only because, for some unfathomable reason, Voldemort is afraid of Headmaster Dumbledore. But it's only a matter of time before that fear vanishes as well. We need a miracle to save us, and I hope we find one within the next few years. For the sake of the world.

Again, I'm getting away from the subject at hand. I'm sure you don't want to read another twenty pages about how horrible this wizard is. Best to show you, anyway. I'll get to that later, don't worry. So, where was I? Oh, right. The rest of the summer basically went without consequence. Before we all knew it, it was time to go back to Kings Cross, and board the Hogwarts Express for a new school year. My last year at Hogwarts.


	3. All Aboard!

Chapter Two: All Aboard!

"Hey Lily! Over here!" a high pitched voice sounded over the crowd of students and their families filling Platform 9 ¾. I turned slightly, an amazing feat, considering I was loaded down with basically everything I own (an effort to save everything from whatever plan Petunia might've had for it while I was away at school). Out of nowhere, something hit me in the stomach, knocking me over and sending my things flying. Groaning slightly, I looked around and refocused my vision.

"Must you do that EVERY year, Gabby?" I asked, looking up at the blonde hair, blue eyed beauty standing before me.

"Of course, m'dear. 'Tis tradition," she responded. I rolled my eyes at that. First year, I remember standing on the wrong side of the wall separating Platform 9 ¾ from the rest when someone decided to take it at a run. That someone happened to be a Miss Gabrielle Courtenay (distantly related to Louis VI), complete with her trunk and two brothers. Needless to say, I ended up on my back with three people frantically trying to make sure I was alright. When I did manage to assure them that I was, Gabrielle and I became good friends. Second year she did the same thing, by accident, she assures me, and it became tradition for her to knock me over on the platform on September first each year.

"Can we come up with traditions that don't result in a concussion on my part?" I croaked, but, of course, she knew I was kidding. Smiling widely, she offered her hand to help me up. Once I had made sure that I could walk again, the two of us carefully loaded my things onto the train, before finding the compartment that Christine and Katherine had already secured for us.

Of course, due to the increasing size of the student body, it is less likely each year that we get a compartment to ourselves. This lovely year, we got to share our compartment with a few sixth year Gryffindors. We spoke to them occasionally, but not extensively, so we mostly just focused on our individual groups. As soon as Gabrielle and I entered the apartment, she was attacked by a shorter girl with sleek blonde hair. Well, attacked probably isn't the right word. Think of what Gabrielle did to me, only with a girl whose about a head shorter than me.

"They're scaring me Elle," a small voice came from the mess of brown and blonde hair. Gabrielle slowly pushed the girl back to arm's length and spoke to her quietly.

"She followed us here. Got a good intuition, that girl," Katherine said, smiling slightly.

"Listen, Em, nothing is going to hurt you while you are here. I promise. Now why don't you find some other first years to sit with? I'm sure you're not going to make many friends here if you spend all your time with a bunch of old sixth and seventh years. Go on, now." Emilie. I almost forgot. Gaby's little sister turned eleven in January (we all sent her little charmed toys in celebration of her being able to start studying magic this year). Like many first years, she was shy, as she didn't know any of the younger students at Hogwarts.

"Tell you what, Emilie," I said, sitting down and pulling her over slightly. "If anyone bothers you at all, you just come tell your sister or me, and we'll make sure they don't ever do it again. In the meantime, you can astound them with this little trick." I pulled out a sheet of parchment and pointed my wand at it, muttering a charm. I handed the parchment to Emilie, and she took it, looking rather confused. "Ok, I want you to think of any image." Emilie nodded and closed her eyes. "Now look."

On the parchment was a perfectly drawn sketch of what I assumed to be Gaby's mum. Emilie's eyes opened in amazement and she squeaked slightly before running off to show the next person she ran into. I laughed slightly and noticed the looks I was getting from my roommates. "What?"

"I do believe that Miss Lily Evans broke a school rule," Gabby said slowly, smirking slightly.

"I'm seventeen… I'm allowed to do magic outside of school, and that includes on the train. Besides, it was for a good cause," I responded, blushing slightly.

"Still, it's time for celebration!" Christine said, her chestnut brown curls bouncing slightly and her brown eyes dancing in amusement.

"She's showing Potter," Katherine said, having poked her head into the corridor to watch Emilie's progress.

"Wonderful. That mean's he'll be coming in here to brag in a few moments," I moaned, sinking into my seat slightly. Sure enough, a few minutes later, after Katherine had returned to her seat and convinced me to sit up straight, much to my chagrin, the door to our compartment opened, and a boy with messy black hair walked in.

Before I get into what happened once James got into the room, I think I should give him a little background. Beyond the fact that I hate him, I mean. Well, I don't hate him, exactly. I just get extremely annoyed with him anytime he happens to be around. James, as any pure-blooded boy wizard does at some point, plays Quidditch. He's rather good, don't get me wrong. He plays on the Gryffindor House Team, and if I'm not mistaken, he was made captain after the departure of Gregory Wells last year. Needless to say, he's in shape. Tall, slim, well defined muscles, the works. I'm not going to deny that he's attractive, even if his hair does give him a more rugged appearance than handsome.

He's also very much more than just physically attractive. He did, after all, make Head Boy, much to my disappointment, and although I do not agree with the appointment, the staff isn't totally out of its mind. Anyone nominated as a Head Student must show a level of intelligence beyond that of their peers. James Potter has that intelligence. On more than one occasion, I have caught him actually reading for his own enjoyment, after having finished all his schoolwork.

Of course, he tries to hide this fact from everyone. I'm sure it works for him—playing dumb and seeming to be so can get you a great deal of information that you might be otherwise unable to get. He's also the mastermind behind many of the Marauder's pranks. Don't get me wrong, I didn't like the pranks themselves much of the time, mostly because they were played on people (namely Slytherins, although every so often a Gryffindor, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw that somehow got on the 'bad list,' as I like to call it, would get pranked as well). Still, it's hard to deny the genius behind some of them. And many of the spells they used they had to have invented, because they don't exist anywhere else. Don't ask me how I know that.

James also has this commanding presence about him. Beyond being almost a foot taller than the average girl at Hogwarts, including myself, he holds himself with pride. Oh, and there's the little fact that he basically has a different girlfriend every month. Usually a blonde bimbo that fawned over him after a Quidditch victory. Actually, I think he had one serious girlfriend… in fifth year. The two of them went out for a while. Can't remember who it was, but I think I comforted her after they broke up. The pranks lessened up for a while after that. Enough about him; let's get back to the story.

"I heard that someone in this room did magic on the train. That's against the rules, you know. If you confess now, I'll let you off the hook," James said, smirking slightly, as if he had a secret that he wasn't planning on telling anyone.

"I don't think there's much you could do that I haven't already done, but thanks Potter," I said, my cheeks turning a slight pink.

"Oh, our lovely Head Girl is here. No worries then. And a compartment full of Gryffindors. I should've known. Only a creative and intelligent person could've pulled that spell off." James winked at me casually, before turning serious. "Well, my wonderful Head Girl, I do believe our presence is required in the Prefect's compartment. Would you allow me to escort you there?"

I had half a mind to just say yes. I mean, after all, I did say I'd be more civil, didn't I? My old self wouldn't allow me too though. Same old thought running through my head: 'it might do him good to be told no every once and a while. Just to show that his charm doesn't work on everyone.' Oh, and another part of me told me that he was just being oh-so-charming toward me to get me as a trophy. To show the school that he could honestly have any girl that he wanted. I couldn't allow my feelings to be trashed like that.

"I can walk myself there, thanks," I said with an obviously plastic smile. He nodded slowly and shut the compartment door, I assume leaving for the compartment. "Well, I should get going," I said to my friends. "If I'm not back in 2 hours, come looking for me… Potter has probably held me hostage." I smiled and waved as I left the compartment, which quickly erupted in chatter as soon as the door clicked shut. Probably the sixth year girls fawning over the fact that James Potter had been in their compartment. I felt bad for Josh Wallace, the boy that had been sitting in there with them. No doubt he saw it was going to be one long train ride.

O.O

"Finally, here are your house passwords. Fifth year prefects are to lead the first years to the common rooms and show them the dormitories, while sixth years make sure no one gets lost. The seventh years are to make sure the rest of the house knows the password. There will be a meeting tomorrow night for any additional announcements, including patrol schedules. You may go." I said, checking the final announcement on the list left by Dumbledore for the meeting on the train.

The prefects bustled about for a few minutes, while I looked through the packet assigned to me shortly after I received my badge. Finally, the compartment was silent, and I heard James stretch next to me.

"So, does that leave us free to go too?" he asked, yawning slightly.

"You can leave whenever you want. I want to stay and make sure I know all the responsibilities of us," I said quietly, reading over a particularly long paragraph.

"Oh, come on. You've probably been preparing for this and taking notes on the other Head Girls for the past two years. You know what you're supposed to do. Just relax a little bit. This may be your last chance for a long time," James said softly, leaning slightly closer to me as he spoke. I shook my head slightly.

"No, I want to make the best of this year, and that requires a great deal of planning."

We sat in silence for a while. I continued to flip through the pages, while James seemed to just be taking in his surroundings.

"How'd you do it?" He looked at me expectantly and laughed at my confused expression. "The parchment."

"Oh, that was nothing. It's like taking a picture, only it fades. I haven't quite worked out how to animate yet, either. I've been messing around with it for a couple years." I shrugged. It really wasn't a big deal. I just did a bunch of research and was messing around one day when it happened. At first, it could only write words, but I slowly got it to form pictures.

"That's quite an accomplishment. Have you shown any of the teachers?"

"No, I haven't had any reason to. It's just for fun. Not like you've shown any of the teachers the spells you've come up with," I shot back, wincing slightly at my own snappiness. James' face got slightly darker for a split instant, then brightened again.

"So, you know then."

"Of course I know. I know more about charms than any other subject, and some of the things you do are more than just combinations of different spells. They're new spells altogether." I stated it like it was obvious, trying to prevent my fear from showing through. I hadn't meant to say it, but now that I did, I had to face him. And quite possibly the rest of the Marauders.

Luckily, at that moment, my three wonderful friends came into the room, followed quickly by the remaining Marauders.

"I guess our friends have missed us. I'll see you tomorrow at the meeting. Don't be late," I warned and gave a slight wave before leading my friends back to our previous compartment.

"We were starting to get worried about you… the train ride is nearly half over, and all the prefects went back to their compartments an hour ago. We didn't know what else you had to do, so we gave you some time…" Katherine said hesitantly.

"An hour?" I muttered, then I cleared my throat and spoke louder. "It's no problem, Kathy. We were just finishing up anyway. Thanks for coming to get me."

"Well, now that that part of the ride is over, let's get back to our discussion: who's worse? Malfoy? Or Snape?" Christine said, her smile widening slightly with every word. The rest of us groaned slightly. Leave it to Christy to change up the subject real quick.

I settled back in my seat and watched the rest of my friends go on about everything from boys to snacks to pets. And before I knew it, the train was stopping and we were all frantically getting into our robes.

O.O

**A/N: If you enjoyed it, please click the little purplish blue box below and review it, please? Thanks much. **


	4. School Again

**A/N: Well, this is the last of my pre-written chapters, and really, if I don't get any response to these (like I did with the last chapter), I'm basically going to stop writing this fic again. And I would really hate that, because I do have some good plans, I just lack the motivation. So really, if you're reading this, please, please take the time to drop me a little note to tell me you are reading it. Please?**

O.O

Chapter Three: School Again

I flopped on my bed hours later, relieved that the day was at last over. The Opening Feast seemed to take forever, as the sorting went on longer, due to the increasing number of first years that come every year. Emilie was sorted into Gryffindor, just like her sister. She was so excited, and after the rest of the first years had been sorted, she stopped paying so much attention to us, and rather began to make friends with the rest of the first years.

After the feast, Dumbledore asked that James and I make the final rounds, so we had to walk around the entire castle, looking for any first years that might've gotten lost or older students that simply wanted to be rebellious on the first day. After that, we both walked up to Gryffindor Tower, and I muttered a good night to James before attempting to climb the stairs to my dormitory. However, I slipped on one of the stairs and ended up rolling back down to the bottom, with James laughing at me the entire way. Of course, after that, I stomped up the stairs, probably waking a few people along the way, and made it into the dormitory. Needless to say, I was happy for some sleep.

The next morning, I woke to horribly out of tune singing drifting over from across the room. I opened my eyes slightly and groaned slightly, putting a pillow over my face in an effort to block out the sun.

"Come on, sleepy head. Classes start in 45 minutes, and I'm sure you want something to eat before having to face McGonagall on the first day back," Katherine said calmly, gently pulling the pillow out of my grasp and handing me fresh robes.

"I don't know what I'd do without you waking me up every morning," I muttered, standing up and gaining my balance.

"You'd sleep in and wouldn't be as successful as you are now," she replied cheerily.

"I don't know how you can stand being so happy this early in the morning," Christine said, emerging from the bathroom fully clothed and brushing her hair.

"Simple. I look at each morning as a new start, forgetting about everything that might've worried me from the night before," Katherine replied, pulling her long black hair into a ponytail. I shook my head and went into the bathroom and heard and 'oof' from the room, so I poked my head in to see Katherine holding a pillow at her stomach and Gabrielle blowing her wand like a smoking gun. Shaking my head, I closed the door and quickly got dressed, pulling my hair into a messy bun on my way out the dormitory, bag in hand.

Ten minutes later, I was leading the group of Gryffindors to the Great Hall for a quick breakfast. I had to be sure all the first years were headed in the right direction for class, as there was no doubt that some of the older students would lead the newbies in the wrong direction. And starting in the wrong direction at Hogwarts could mean walking around in circles for hours. So, within the next fifteen minutes, I ate a few pieces of toast (complete with butter, marmalade and peanut butter, each on a different slice, of course), and got my schedule (Katherine was right… NEWT Transfiguration first), and made my way out the door in order to catch any first years that might've decided to get an early start going to class.

Unfortunately, I didn't get very far. Not even to the end of the Gryffindor table. James, being his wonderful self, pulled me down into the seat next to him when I dashed by. He wouldn't let me stand up again, either, so I was resigned to putting up with him until he got what he wanted.

His friends all watched me with amusement. Remus Lupin, the fair-haired one, looked at me sympathetically while munching on his eggs. Sirius Black, with hair just like his name, wiggled his eyebrows at me a few times before digging into the mix of breakfast foods on his plate. Finally, Peter Pettigrew, known for his squeamishness, kept looking between James and I, his eyes darting to each of us in turn.

Finally, James took a final bite of his toast and turned to me.

"What're you doing in such a hurry? No sense in starting school stressed. Just take a deep breath in and calm down," James said, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths while holding my wrists.

"Potter, our assignment was to make sure all of the first years are headed in the right direction for class, and I have no intention of ignoring my duty as Head Girl," I exclaimed, earning some looks from the students around us.

"They'll find their way, eventually. Besides, I've already taken care of it. I charmed all their schedules to lead them to the right classroom. Unless they're totally daft, they shouldn't get lost." His eyes stayed closed, and I opened my mouth a few times, closing it almost right after. Finally, I managed to form words.

"When did you do that? And how?" I asked quietly.

He shrugged. "I asked McGonagall for the schedules this morning. I tested the spells last year on my own, and they all worked, so I simply charmed them, and handed them out to the first years this morning as they came to breakfast."

"Oh. Well, thanks," I said, standing up and walking back to my friends. I must've looked completely out of it, but soon enough, they stopped asking me questions, and after breakfast finished, we all stood up and went to class (Katherine and I to NEWT Transfiguration, and Christine and Gabrielle to NEWT Care of Magical Creatures).

O.O

Classes that day went by rather slowly, as they usual do on the first day back from a long break. All the teachers gave speeches about how NEWTS were important for our future, as we knew they would do, and would continue to do for the rest of the school year.

I had a heck of a time concentrating too. I think it was suddenly getting woken up early after sleeping in almost all summer. I may be a good student, but that is not because I wake up at six in the morning to study. No, I just stay up until three studying. I do some of my best work at night, especially after everyone has gone to bed. Anyway, I was glad when dinner finally came.

It was a normal Hogwarts dinner, filled with the chatter of the students discussing everything from the classes and teachers to the latest Quidditch scores, to explanations of various muggle objects (mostly in the first years, with the muggleborns still trying to adapt to magical life and all). Our group, though, was quickly joined by the four Marauders. I rolled my eyes as they sat down, earning an offended huff from Sirius, who immediately went to chatting up Gabrielle.

"I drafted the patrol schedules. You can look them over before we hand them out to the prefects. I volunteered us for the Saturday night shift. I hope that's alright," James said in a low voice from next to me, passing me a neatly folded piece of parchment. From the corner of my eye, I saw Remus' lips curl into a smile, and I took the parchment, glancing it over quickly.

"It all looks wonderful. When did you have time to do this?" I asked, knowing he was in class most of the day.

He shrugged in response. "I had some free time. Eat up and I'll see you at the meeting." With that and a wink, he stood up, grabbing a roll from the center of the table and walking out of the Great Hall, his binder tucked beneath his arm.

Snapping out of my trance, I finished eating and dashed up to the prefect common room, just in time to greet the first prefects as they arrived.

O.O

That night, as I was leaving the prefect meeting, I was stopped in the hall. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I was more... pulled into an alcove. Needless to say, I was quite startled, half-expecting to be knocked out by some Death Eater (followers of Voldemort) and half expecting one of my girlfriends to be sweeping me away for a girls' night out. I was wrong on all accounts.

"Lily, please don't scream. I'm not going to hurt you," an even voice said next to my ear. I could smell a faint smell of potions smoke in the air.

"Let me go, Severus. You know I don't want to talk to you," I said with a deathly tone. I could be scary when I wanted to be. He released me and I turned around slowly. "Why don't you leave me alone? I thought I made it perfectly clear last year what I wanted from you..."

"Lily... you know I didn't mean it. Please, please forgive me." His voice was pleading, but I simply turned and walked away, ignoring his calls. The moment he decided to call me mudblood was the day our friendship died. And no matter how much he try, I had no intention of forgiving him anytime soon. He was with the dark side now, and I wanted to remain in the light.

As it turns out, there were another set of eyes in the hallway. Hazel eyes, watching with satisfaction as I walked away. I suppose I can only be happy that Severus went to class the next day unharmed, presumably because my words caused much more damage than any spell from a wand could at that moment.

O.O

The next few days passed by with much familiarity. The classes were, of course, more difficult, but they were the same classes from the previous year with the same classmates and same professors. I got back into the habit of spending my days in class, my afternoons with my friends, and my evenings and late nights studying in the library or the common room.

There was only one thing slightly out of the ordinary during my first week back. James, while ever-present as usual, was... _nice_. I mean, on more than one occasion, he would sit at the table next to me in the library, or work within eyesight in the common room, and just work, in silence. When his friends came around, they were more subdued than usual, talking quietly with the occasional outburst of laughter.

And this is where you could find him on Friday night. I was sitting in front of the fire, getting a little ahead on Charms reading, and he was sitting with his friends on the couches just a few feet away. My friends, of course, were having fun, celebrating the end of the first week with some butterbeer someone brought from home in the chairs around me. As I looked at them, I quickly realized they'd have to refill their stash soon.

"Can you believe that essay Slughorn assigned? It's absolutely ridiculous!" Gabby whined, taking another sip of her butterbeer. I smirked slightly. It was simply a review of the last few potions we had done before summer break.

"Oh, come now Gaby, baby. Certainly you wouldn't have too much trouble with a simple essay for Slughorn," Sirius remarked, walking over and placing himself in the middle of the group on the floor

She smiled. "It's the principle of the matter. Besides, it's not like I'm a member of his precious Slug Club. He actually scrutinizes what I say."

Sirius glanced at me. "Lily, darling, how is Slug Club going this year? Got any invitations you can invite me to?" He wiggled his eyebrows playfully and I rolled my eyes.

"It's not as if it's a coveted position. He won't leave me alone because he thinks he can get something from me when I turn successful. Though, I suppose it will help with the applications for St. Mungo's I'll have to fill out later."

James came and sat next to me. "Decided for sure what you're going to do now?" he asked me.

I shrugged. "I figure working at St. Mungo's would be one of the most useful positions, and it's not quite as dangerous as being an auror. With the way things are getting, I don't think it'll much matter what any of us do, though. We're all going to be in danger."

"Never fear, ladies. Us strapping gentlemen will take care of you." He smirked, clearly trying to lighten the mood, and looked at each of the girls.

"Strapping?" Gabby giggled.

"Gentlemen?" Christy laughed, not bothering to hide her amusement.

"And just what makes you think we'll need help from you, Sirius dear?" I teased. Despite his boyishness, and extreme immaturity at times, Sirius was just too fun to tease. I could sense a slight uneasiness coming from James, but I shrugged it off as usual.

"Why, Lily, don't you want my protection?" He pouted with big puppy eyes. How could I say no to a face like that?

"Well, I suppose I could use you as a back-up, in case I can't handle things on my own." I smiled, and he whooped with joy, making all the girls laugh softly. Conversation picked up without me and I started reading again.

"You know, Lily, you don't have to work all the time." James whispered on my right. I turned to him.

"I don't--" I began, but he interrupted me.

"No, no, of course not. You just keep your work at arms length so you're never far enough to put it out of your mind." He spoke with some amusement in his voice, and I flushed slightly.

"I do know how to have fun. I'm having fun now." I protested. He reached over and took the book out of my hands, carefully marking my page.

"As a concerned party, I think you should forget about school. At least for tonight." He smiled and set the book on the other side of him. I sighed dramatically, mumbling 'if you insist' under my breath. At least he hadn't suggested that I go on a date with him, as he would have in the past. He actually seemed genuinely concerned.

And that made it all the more strange.

O.O

**A/N: Pretty button is right there. Remember... no reviews, no more chapters...**


	5. An Unlikely Friendship

**A/N: Thanks guys. The reviews meant a lot, and I finally got my butt in gear and started writing in this fic again. I feel I should clarify a little something, so I don't seem like a begging author. I originally started writing this story in order to help me deal with some things. However, since then (which was something like 2 years ago now), I have found other ways to deal with it all, and so I don't feel the need to finish this fic anymore. But, I hate leaving things unfinished, and so I wanted to be sure that someone was actually reading, so I wouldn't disappoint them by stopping. That's why I asked for reviews. I think I doubled my total reviews in the last chapter alone, so I'm convinced people are actually reading, and so I'll continue writing this fic.**

**So, without further ado, on with the fic!**

O.O

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Chapter Four: An Unlikely Friendship

Over the next few weeks, as school started to pick up, more people became absorbed in their studies. The professors seemed to emphasize again and again exactly how important the NEWTs were to the seventh years. As if we didn't realize it already, with the career counseling we had been having for two years now.

Of course, with all the lectures came a great deal of homework. I had to cut my time with my friends in the afternoon, and I was one of the few that remained caught up enough to take one day over the weekend off each week. Then again, that didn't stop most people from taking a day off anyway; they just lost sleep in the process. Or their marks suffered considerably.

All this was the reason I ended up spending more and more time with James. Not by my own choice, but simply because he always happened to be done with his homework (shocking, with the facade he puts up for the rest of the school) when I happened to be working on Head duties. And, of course, I can't turn him away when I'm working on something that concerns him too. That's just plain rude. I may be a lot of things, but generally, rude is not among them.

I admit, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I figured that he would distract me and be more of a liability than a real help. He was, after all, one of the top pranksters in the school. But, instead, he actually put forth some rather good ideas. We managed to come up with several social events, in an attempt to get the students to forget about what was happening on the outside. With Lord Voldemort and all. The number of Hogsmeade weekends had to be cut, and we had to make it up to the school somehow. I mean, Hogwarts is a school, but it's also where we lived nine months out of the year.

James and I also began just talking a lot more. For some reason, I felt more and more at ease with him, the longer I spent with him. We started becoming, dare I say it, actual friends. Not really close friends—I never talked with him about anything particularly important, or girl things—but casual friends. We talked about troubles we were having with school, and we'd joke about what we would do next Hogsmeade weekend. He got me to loosen up just a bit, to not focus so much on school. It was all that that likely kept me sane with all the responsibilities I had forced upon myself.

O.O

One particularly stormy night in October, most of the seventh year Gryffindors were sitting in front of the fire in the common room, trying to get something done in the restless environment. It always happened when it was stormy; rather than settling around the castle, the students flocked to their warm common rooms and chatted away. Unfortunately, the seventh years had a great deal of work to get done, and the distractions in the common room were not assisting in that endeavor.

Of course, distractions tended to make me hot-headed. My temper was flaring looking around at all the students, who clearly knew what we were trying to do. I'm sure my friends' tempers were similarly on edge. I'm still not sure why we didn't just take our things to the library; Madam Pince would have surely kept the peace there. As it turned out, Sirius, being his ever charming self, suggested that we all get a break from the chaos and have a little get-together in the boys' dorm. Naturally, we all looked at him as if he was insane.

"A completely innocent suggestion, I promise!" he said, holding his hand against his heart as in an oath.

My eyes darted around the room. "Alright... anything to get away from the chattering eleven year olds. You would think they'd be used to things at Hogwarts already." I was being meaner than I usually was, as I usually am when I'm frustrated.

Remus smiled at me. "Come now, Lily. You were one of those chattering eleven year olds at one point." I glared at him.

"Great! We have exploding snap, butterbeer, some sugar quills..." Sirius started chattering himself as he gathered his things and made his way upstairs. Remus went up quickly after him, probably to clean the room a little so as not to frighten us girls.

The rest of us took our time, gathering our things and trying to get rid of our headaches. James came up behind me and started to rub my shoulders slightly. "Don't be so critical of them, Lily." In response to my puzzling glance, he nodded towards the younger students. "Remus is right, you were just like them once, and the seventh years then managed to tolerate you alright."

I growled softly, though I was more focused on his hands. Why was he doing that, again? Not that I minded; it just wasn't something he usually did. "I don't recall ever being so... chatty."

He laughed softly and took his hands away. "I remember things a little differently, then. You were the cute muggleborn who would always be excited to master a new spell. And then, of course, you'd coach the rest of your friends to help them master it as well. There were more than a few times in our first few years that you were as excited as some of them are now."

I waved my hand dismissively. "Fine, fine. I'll try to hold my temper better. Whatever Sirius has got planned should help." I headed towards the stairs up to the boy's dormitory, realizing that James and I were the last of our group in the common room.

We spent the rest of the night relaxing, trying to relieve some of the stress that had been building upon us. We played cards and drank butterbeer, doing just about anything we could to forget about school for the night. It worked, and the next morning we attacked our studies with a new fervor. We had a few exams to study for in the coming week, and no doubt they would get progressively more challenging from here. Better that we master what we learned now and hope it all built upon itself for the next round.

O.O

A few weeks later, after our round of exams were done (we all managed to pass), we were able to head out to Hogsmeade. It was a nice break from schoolwork, in a way that even attending a get-together Sirius put together could not do for us. The girls and I, of course, went together, but the Marauders insisted on tagging along. Whether it was just for the company, or their need to feel as though we were safe, I'm not sure. But that's how Christy, Kathy, Gabby, the Marauders and myself ended up at a table together in Three Broomsticks, sipping merrily on our butterbeer.

Naturally, I ended up sitting next to James. In fact, the boys decided it was a good idea to alternate genders in sitting down, so I ended up sitting between Sirius and James. That is most certainly the worst place to be. Sirius kept nudging me so hard I'd bump into James. Looking back on it, I suspect he did it on purpose, but since he's so naturally rambunctious, I can't say for sure.

The topic of conversation jumped so often it was difficult to keep up with it. We breezed through a loud conversation about the Chudley Cannons and their chances at the World Cup and jumped to complaints about the Potions exam we'd have on Monday.

As I was listening to Sirius and Remus debate whether or not there was a secret room on the seventh floor, I felt James nudge me slightly. I glanced at him and he leaned in conspiratorially.

"So, what's the latest book about?" he whispered, glancing down at the book in my lap. I blushed slightly, forgetting that I had actually brought a book with. It had been a habit of mine for ages; whenever we would end up in the Three Broomsticks on a Hogsmeade weekend, I would get bored with the conversation and would turn to reading instead.

"Oh... it's Pride and Prejudice, about a girl who judged a man by his actions when she first met him, and eventually fell in love with him," I summarized quickly. I had read it several times before, but it was still one of my favorite books.

He laughed softly. "Sounds familiar. Think it'll turn into reality?"

I looked at him, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "What...?" I started.

He winked and quickly changed the subject. "I prefer the male English authors, personally. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle seems to know his stuff."

I wrinkled my nose and tilted my head slightly. "You like detective novels? I was never a fan, personally." I ran my fingers over my book unconsciously.

He looked down at the movement in my fingers. "Yes, well, I'd prefer the action to the detective novels to the description in Miss Austen's romances. Besides, for a muggle, Doyle really knows his stuff."

I raised my eyebrow. "Are you saying, Mr. Potter, that muggles can't be smart?" I asked, only half-joking.

He tapped my nose quickly and looked at me. "Don't try to think poorly of me, Lily dear. I was referring to _The Lost World_, which most certainly describes a bunch of muggles finding a colony of dragons. He describes them as dinosaurs, of course, but he describes them quite well otherwise."

I blushed slightly and looked away. I could feel him smiling next to me as he turned back to the group conversation, which had turned to a discussion of relationships (I still wonder how they managed that leap). I made myself a promise to read some of Doyle's work, just to see what James was talking about.

"Daniel and I just weren't working out. He didn't understand that I needed to spend time with my friends as well." Christy commented.

"At least you gave him the courtesy of being kicked out the door in private. Miss High-and-Mighty Anna figured it necessary to 'let me go' in the Great Hall." Sirius mumbled. The girls tittered slightly.

I smirked at him. "That's because she wanted the glory of being the one to break up with the famous Sirius Black." He didn't really need an ego boost, but I found it amusing that he characterized Anna in such a way.

Kathy sighed. "Grant gets almost stalkerish. He gets so paranoid when I'm a few minutes late, even if it's because class ran late. When we haven't agreed to meet, I usually find him lurking around the corner. Thank Merlin he's not in Gryffindor or I'd never get any peace," she remarked, twirling her butterbeer slowly.

Sirius shook his head in disgust. "And why haven't you ended it?"

Kathy shrugged. "He won't accept that. He keeps coming back, no matter what I tell him."

James took a long swig of butterbeer and looked at Kathy for a long moment. "Your beau is a jerk. No woman should be treated that way." He said quietly. The girls, including myself, all looked at him.

"And just how should a girl be treated, Potter?" Gabby asked. I couldn't tell if she was being genuinely curious, or if she wanted to mock him for his answer.

James shrugged, as if he was expecting the question, and answered matter-of-factly. "She should be adored and loved, but given freedom to do what she wants as well. She should be comforted in times of pain and sadness and cheered up afterwards. She should be with a man who can make her laugh and who strives to keep her from crying. She deserves a man who will take care of her, physically and emotionally..." He trailed off, looking at the awed faces of the group.

Christy looked at him appreciatively. "Whoever manages to catch your eye will be one lucky girl, Potter." She looked pointedly at me and I merely nodded in agreement. I hadn't before realized that James was so... sensitive. So caring. He certainly managed to hide it well with his pointed distaste for some people, and his rather dramatic attentions to girls, myself in particular.

I smiled a bit and turned to him. "Do tell, Potter, how did you come to this conclusion?"

He shrugged. "I've seen more than enough girls like Kathy to realize how a girl should be cared for. No girl should be as paranoid as she is with her boyfriend's attentions. She should be comfortable with him, and actually enjoy the time they spend together. He should as well, otherwise they're not a good couple. I've been in enough _relationships_ to have ample evidence for that." He looked at me closely for a moment, before I turned away. I didn't like the look he gave me. It gave me an uneasy feeling, almost like guilt.

Thankfully, Remus managed to save me. "Well, we'll just have to deal with Kathy's boy problems ourselves. Do you think being followed by spiders is enough to get him to back off, or should we try something more, like charming him to speak nonsense when he comes too close to her?"

Sirius took over the ideas, coming up with everything from turning him into a toad until someone would kiss him to just dumping a bucket of slime (from Severus' hair, of course) on him.

I used the interruption to ponder recent events. James and I had become friends, though not really close friends. Christy, at least, was certain that we were destined to be together. While James' heartfelt words did pluck at some of my heartstrings, I didn't feel the same as Christy. How could James and I be destined to be together when we only recently managed to get along?

And furthermore, what was this uneasy feeling I got when James looked at me? Was it guilt as I suspected, and if so, what exactly was I guilty about? Perhaps all the years of treating James poorly had finally caught up with me. Now that I saw James as a friend, I felt bad each time he brought up our past, each time I remembered how poorly I really did treat him. But he treated me just as poorly, didn't he? He was the one who figured he could earn a girl's attention by teasing her relentlessly and pulling pranks on her. And while he certainly did earn my attention, it was not exactly the attention he sought.

He had been in relationships before, I remember them vaguely. He changed girlfriends quite frequently in our fourth and fifth year, and each time the relationship ended, he would make some comment about how I should be the next one. Of course, I figured he would dump me like all the rest when he finally managed to 'attain' me. After all, that seemed to be the only reason he went through girls so quickly. That, combined with the fact that Severus and I were still friends at that point, and his distaste for James was quite obvious, led me to reject him each time.

Severus seemed to figure the same thing I did, that James would just drop me like a hat. I can still remember his words: "I just don't want to see you made a fool of-- He fancies you, James Potter fancies you!" Of course James fancied me at that time. He always had, and I was the trophy that refused to be put in his case. Then Severus had gone and proved to be the person I feared he would become, being in Slytherin and spending time with Avery and the other known Death Eaters. James seemed a whole lot more appealing in comparison. At least he had never _accidentally_ called me a mudblood.

But what if that wasn't why James went through girlfriends so quickly? What if, just as he said, he just didn't enjoy spending time with them? It was possible, I suppose. I mean, most of the girls he went out with were pretty air-headed. He did manage to catch a few girls in Ravenclaw, but I can't see James as the type of guy to stay with a girl who focuses on schoolwork all the time. I mean, he certainly dragged me away from it enough.

Here I was, a few years after all these girlfriends, and he hasn't had one for quite some time. He does seem to enjoy the time we spent together, and I was sure he still fancied me. Was he looking for a relationship, then? All this, and I wasn't even sure how I feel about him. I liked being around him; he tends to put me at ease. But I still had all these reservations I had held inside of me all those years, and all those years of dislike bordering on hatred to overcome. James had grown up a lot in that time, and I could see that. His thoughts on relationships now seemed more... lasting. And maybe I was reading into his words correctly... maybe all those relationships they had hadn't been enjoyable at all for him, and he ended them to prevent both of them from being unhappy.

Maybe he still thought we'd be that perfect match. But did I feel the same way?

O.O

**A/N: Enjoy it? Leave me a note, please. Didn't enjoy it? Tell me what I could have done better. Thanks :)**


	6. Looking Deep

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Princess Eclipse, the only person out of the 22 visitors on my last chapter to actually submit a review. And also to my dear friend, Van, for helping me realize what was right in front of my face, and for being there for me. **

O.O

Chapter Five: Looking Deep

As time went on, James and I got closer. He even started to tease me about us getting together, since it was rather clear what all my friends now thought on that front.

"Can I kiss you goodnight?" he would ask, with that charming smile all the girls melted over.

I would roll my eyes at him and swat his shoulder. "Of course not. I wouldn't want the other girls to think you're taken. I do need someone to take you off my hands."

It was a new form to our usual banter, one that I found oddly comforting. I managed to keep my distance from him, while indulging in something a little more than friendship. And, of course, he would use the time after our banter to kiss me on the cheek (which he almost always followed with messing up my hair, which completely ruined the moment every time). I would thus go up to my dormitory with a smile on my face and feeling a little lighter than I had before.

We also, of course, got the chance to be alone with each other with some frequency, on account of us doing rounds together. James had attempted to end this time once, by suggesting we change up partners, but all the boys avoided me for fear of James' wrath. I'm afraid that particular stigma had not been removed since he jinxed the boyfriend I tried to have at the beginning of sixth year, and made no secret about why. All the girls avoided me because they figured I would tear their heads off for one reason or another. I guess my temper got the best of me at times.

Needless to say, James and I ended up as partners again. He didn't seem to mind too much, though, as we spent just as much time teasing each other as we did actually looking for students around the castle out of hours. And, of course, it was during this time I learned of James' knowledge of the secret passages in the castle. I admit, I started using these more and more frequently, if only to cut the time it took me to get from Transfiguration back to the common room.

O.O

The girls, of course, caught on to my comfort with being with James, and, being the wonderful girlfriends they were, decided to confront me about it one night.

It was a pretty typical night in November. It was chilly outside, and the rain seemed to edge on sleet at times, but it wasn't unbearable. Still, we huddled under our thick comforters at night, and put extra warming spells around our feet to keep out the chill that the stone castle seemed to favor.

This particular night, Kathy had decided we needed to just relax, and so each of us was doing our toenails. I had a nice metallic green polish that glimmered in the candlelight. We chattered our usual gossip, about what boys the other girls were looking at.

Then, of course, the conversation turned to me. It was inevitable, really.

"So, Lily. We know Kathy is taken right now, but what about you? Got your eye on any specific prize?" Christy asked, her chin resting on her knee as she focused on painting her nails.

I did my best to look puzzled. "Of course not. Who would catch my interest?"

Kathy smiled. "Come now, Lily. Your temper has improved remarkably over the past month, and that usually only happens when you like someone."

I shook my head. "No, I've just been concentrating more on schoolwork... haven't had as much time to work up my temper, I suppose."

Gabby rolled her eyes. "And I suppose you spending an extraordinary amount of time with Potter has nothing to do with it as well."

I shifted a little, but did my best to keep my cool facade. "We have to spend so much time together; you all know that. Hard as I try, I can't manage to do all the Heads' work by myself. Besides, I'm pretty sure McGonagall would tear someone's head off if either of us went to meetings unprepared."

"And you don't want Potter's head torn off anymore?" Christy giggled, raising her eyebrow slightly. Glancing around the room, I shook my head slowly.

"Why would I want something like that?"

Kathy glanced at Gabby and laughed herself. "You would have been jumping for joy for that at the beginning of the year."

I shrugged, frowning a little more. "Things have changed. This isn't just about me and James anymore. It's about the whole school, and doing all we can to keep the morale up. We've already lost a number of students, because their parents don't want them in any danger. We don't want to lose any more, especially when Hogwarts is one of the safest places you can be."

The smiles on the girls' faces faded a little. Gabby shook her head quickly and looked at me. "Don't try to change the subject, Lily. We all know how important your job is. But that doesn't explain why you're so willing, even eager, to spend time with Potter. And his friends."

"So, maybe it's good for my morale to be around them. They can really make you forget about all the crap happening out there." I was beginning to get a little testy, but fought to keep my control.

Christy smiled. "There's nothing wrong with it, Lily. But we think there's more to it than that. You like being around Potter, don't you?"

Taking a few deep breaths to calm myself, I formulated my response carefully. "I suppose I do. He's calm, all the time. So my different from my usual tense attitude. And he helps me calm down."

Kathy gave me a knowing smile. "But it's more than that. You don't just like being around him. You like him... perhaps as more than a friend?"

I scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous. I haven't lost that much brain matter. He's a friend, that's all. And that's far better than being enemies, especially when we're essentially on the same side."

Gabby was examining her fingernails closely, not even looking at me as she spoke. "Friends don't usually joke about kissing. And once upon a time, you would have slapped him for bringing it up. He still fancies you, Lily. Don't bother to tell us you don't fancy him too."

I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes. I didn't _fancy_ James. I just liked spending time with him. And he was a sweet guy. I'm sure he'd make someone very happy someday. Just not me. We didn't fit together, despite what my friends seemed to think. "I don't fancy him, Gabby. I just like spending a little time with him."

Christy smirked. "So, you'd be perfectly okay if I were to go out on a few dates with him?"

I didn't like that smirk. She was trying to trick me, and I wasn't going to fall for it. Still, I couldn't help the slight panic I felt imagining _Christy_ dating James. Licking my lips slowly, I focused on anything but her face. "Yes, that's perfectly fine with me. If you like him, go for it."

Kathy raised her eyebrow at me and glanced at the other two girls. My throat felt dry and I struggled to keep my breathing even. Christy frowned at my response. "Come on, Lily. I would never do anything to hurt you. I cross my heart I won't tell anyone what you say about Potter here tonight."

I looked up at her, and she made an X with her fingers over her heart. I glanced at Kathy and Gabby, and they both did the same. Resigned, I sighed and fingered the bedspread a little. "Alright, so maybe I do kinda fancy him. I still don't think any relationship between us would work out. I imagine he's still after me for the glory of it all."

Gabby bit her look and moved to sit next to me on the bed, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. She gave me a little squeeze. "I don't think James could bear hurting you at this point, Lily. But, I'm sure he'll wait for you for eternity if that's what it takes for you to realize that."

I nodded slightly at her words, feeling my eyes prickling slightly with tears. I wasn't sure I believed her, but I didn't want to talk about this anymore. So, my friends knew how I felt. That was okay. They promised not to tell anyone, and I could go on with my life. I didn't need to be with James, I just had a little crush on him. It would fade with time, and we'd both find someone perfect for us. In the meantime, we'd be good friends.

Maybe I wasn't as smart as I always figured I was.

O.O

"So, can I kiss you yet?" James asked, that ever charming smile on his face. We were sitting in front of the couches in the Common Room, me reading and him doing some drawing... maybe Quidditch plans. It was pretty late, so we were almost completely alone.

In response, I glanced at him and hit his arm. Lightly, of course. He didn't mean those pecks on the cheeks we'd been exchanging lately, of course.

"You never give up, do you?" I shook my head and turned back to my book.

"Now, what would be the point of giving up on such a beautiful and intelligent girl as yourself? I can't let such traits fall into the hands of another man..." He smirked again.

I rolled my eyes, but still smiled. As much as this teasing had been annoying when we weren't friends, it was fun now that we were. "Save your flattery for some girl it'll actually work on, James."

He smiled and leaned in close. "Now, what can I do to make you believe me, Lily darling? Tell you I love you? Somehow, I don't think that would work on you. You're the only girl I can't seem to figure out?" He pulled back slightly, a remorseful look on his face.

I realized the conversation turned from teasing to serious, so I tried to put a lighter tone in my voice. Still, I felt the need to know what he meant by that. "Why can't you figure me out? I'm a simple witch."

He laughed softly. "You're far from simple. I've learned to read girls over the years. I've had to, with the way they _fall _all over me." He paused to smile roguishly. "You're constantly giving me mixed signals. Sometimes it seems you're madly in love with me, and others it seems you just want to be simple friends." He shrugged helplessly. "I just can't figure you out."

I had been watching him rather intently through his little speech, and with his eyes now focused entirely on mine, I felt helpless. So, I did what came natural. I turned away, mumbling to myself along the way, "I can't figure myself out."

At that point, he started playing with my hair. Not really noticeably, but he moved it behind my shoulder, probably so he could see my face better, and then just started twirling the ends around his finger. It was incredibly intimate, and not something most friends would do. You know, beyond the whole girls braiding each other's hair while whispering all the secrets of the school thing. I didn't mind one bit. He remained quiet though, waiting for me to continue.

"You do the same thing, you know." At his tilted head look, I continued. "You give me the mixed signals. At times, you keep me at a nice distance, not telling me things. You disappear without notice, and offer no explanation when you come back. At other times, you act... intimate, like we've been _together_ for ages and you're just doing what feels natural."

I glanced at him sideways to see how he was taking what I said. He seemed thoughtful, and rather than bear it when those hazel eyes finally turned back on me, I turned to look at the fire. Besides, I wanted to keep my feelings to myself—and the girls—until I knew that I wasn't going to get hurt by confessing them. If I looked at him, I knew that wouldn't stay a secret for long.

At last, he smiled and moved a little closer. Not enough that any spectator would notice, but I certainly did. "I'm sorry I confuse you. I assure you, though, I enjoy being around you, because I do like you."

There. He said it. He likes me. But rather jump up in joy at this official declaration, I swallowed. I couldn't help but feel that he was just tugging me along, just waiting to see how far I'd let him go before pulling back. Just waiting to make a fool of me. He was, after all, one of the most sought-after men in Hogwarts, and why would he settle for a bookworm like me?

He obviously didn't like my silence, though, so he pressed on. "The real question, then, is: do you like me back?"

I sighed and looked towards the fireplace. "Why do you all have to gang up on me all at once?"

His hand has now moved to rubbing circles on my back. Low, behind the edge of the couch so no one else can see, but not so low as to be indecent. It feels nice. "What do you mean?"

"Christy, Gabby, and Kathy all started talking about relationships earlier, and grilled me about when I was getting into one, and who with..." I buried my face in my knees, mortified I was actually sharing this with them.

He laughed. "I thought girls always discussed this sort of thing."

I shook my head slightly. "Well, yes, but it doesn't usually involve me... they have enough drama that I can usually skip out of the conversation without any of them noticing."

"Well, Christine does seem to think you have a little crush on me," he remarked casually. He glanced at me. "Oops."

My eyes must have tripled in size right them. She told him! After she promised not to, she went and told him anyway! That's it. She's not sharing my confidences anymore. If she tells something so personally important to me, what is she going to do when I tell her something that affects other people as well? Maybe I should just knock her out of the way. A nice permanent silencing spell would do wonders...

"Then again, she may be completely off-base. Why don't you just tell me the truth?" He smiled casually, and I glared at him for interrupting my mental plans to silence Christy. Upon seeing his gorgeous hazel eyes, I sighed.

"Christy's too perceptive for her own good," I mumbled more to myself than him.

"I'm sure she is, but..." he started, then his eyes grew wide. "Wait. Does that mean..."

I almost screamed in frustration, but managed to check myself just in time. "I like you, alright?" I said with a nice sharp edge in my voice.

His face melted with a smile. "You finally said it. And it's more than alright. It's wonderful... amazing..." He pulled me into his lap and started kissing the top of my head, then stopped quickly, turning my head to look into my eyes. "How long?"

I shrugged and looked down, embarrassed with the sudden attention. "A while, I guess. I know I did when you went on that long tirade about how to treat a girl."

He nuzzled into my neck, his slight beard scratching a little at my skin. "Mmm... it was all true, you know. No girl deserves to be treated the way Beck treated Kathy."

I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. It felt nice just to sit here, and did loads to calm my nerves.

Too bad he had to ruin it. "So... about that kiss..."

I giggled and nudged him in the ribs, then tilted my head up and gave him the kiss he had apparently been craving for quite some time.

O.O

**A/N: As I have mentioned in the past, this story is somewhat important to me. The scene with James and Lily in this chapter is almost word for word how my (now ex-) boyfriend and I got together. It was easiest to write this as a fanfic, because my ex and I fit so well into the image of Lily and James that I had in my head (except for our looks... we look nothing like either of them). **

**At any rate, I do hope you enjoyed this chapter. I certainly enjoyed writing it. If you did enjoy it, click that little blue button and review it. If you did not enjoy it, click that little blue button and tell me why you didn't like it. I love criticism, as it helps me become a better writer. **

**Thanks again for reading!**


	7. Abandoned

A/N: I apologize for the wait. Things got caught up with me, and this fic, not being a particular priority of mine, fell by the wayside. I hope I didn't keep too many of you in suspense. This chapter is quite literally hot off the presses. I just finished it about 10 minutes ago. To give you an idea of where we stand in the outline of the novel, I plan about 4 more full chapters, covering another 4 months, plus an epilogue. The last of the full chapters will bring it all together, so I might not even need the epilogue. Depends on how I feel about the end.

I've made it a goal of mine to finish with the story by June 2011. While that may seem like way far away for some of you, just keep in mind I've been working on this story since 2006, and most of what I've posted already was pre-written. Also, I probably won't post another chapter until December or so. I'll be working on an actual novel for NaNo, and I doubt I'll be able to pay too much attention to this on top of everything else in my life.

Anyway, enough with my rambling, and on with the story.

O.O

Chapter Six: Abandoned

My friends took to the idea of me and James being together remarkably well. When James told Sirius, he ran down to the common room, and, finding me reading on the couch, proceeded to pull me into a bone-crushing hug. The girls, of course, expected it after that long talk we all had, and squealed in delight when they heard the news. My ears rang for a half hour after that particular conversation.

I tried to keep the rumors from spreading around the school, but you know what they say: the more you want to hide something, the more easily it becomes known. Within a day of that fateful kiss, everyone seemed to know. Might have helped that I actually ate breakfast with him and the Marauders the next morning. I got a mixture of responses from the rest of the girls in the school. Some had long accepted that James wouldn't be with anyone except me, some figured we were perfect for each other, and others still gave me envious looks as I walked through the halls.

Of course, there were a rare few that gave me more than envious looks; they were far more dangerous than that. My quills turned into snakes more than a few times that afternoon in classes. After a little bit of artful wand waving, though, most of those girls found their hair turned a brilliant shade of pink when they tried to jinx my things. I didn't work my way up to Head Girl without knowing a little bit of defense.

There was one particular reaction that I was certainly not looking forward to. He would surely try to seek me out as soon as he heard the news, and would probably try the same thing he did the year before; waiting outside of the Gryffindor common room, threatening to stay there until I came to talk to him. I also knew that James wouldn't take to me talking to him all too well. It was one thing I had to do, no matter how much I was not looking forward to it.

O.O

As it turned out, he beat me to it. With his usual sly nature, he kept to the shadows and waited for me outside the Potions classroom. I was following James into the classroom, most of my friends having opted out of doing NEWT level Potions, when he grabbed my arm. He pulled me off to the side before I could protest. James, engrossed in conversation about dungbombs with Sirius, kept walking right into the room.

I turned to yell at the person who had grabbed me when I first saw his sneering face. I glanced quickly to make sure James hadn't noticed—the last thing I needed was a duel outside the Potions classroom—and moved out of the flow of traffic, pulling my arm out of his grip in the process. I gave him my iciest glare.

"What do you want, Severus?" I snapped quietly.

"Why are you with him? Potter, of all people!"

"Better Potter than some of your new friends, Severus. Besides, it's no longer any of your business who I am or am not friends with, Severus, nor who I choose to be with. You made your choice in the matter when you joined that group of yours." I turned and began to walk into the classroom, but he held me back.

"What happened to the girl who thought he was a bullying toe-rag, Lily?" he asked, seeking anything to stop me.

I cleared my throat and straightened. "A lot has changed in the past couple years. I hear he saved you from something or another last year. Perhaps the girl I used to be back then only saw what she wanted to see, someone who was hurting someone I thought was a friend. It seems I was wrong on two counts," I said, choosing my words carefully.

"I care about you, Lily. You know I would never hurt you...." He sounded as if he were pleading with me.

"Too late. You've already hurt me, and your arch nemesis over there was more than willing to help pick up the pieces. Leave me alone, Snape." I said his surname with such disdain, such disgust, that I think the message finally got through to him. This time when I turned to walk in the classroom, he didn't try to stop me. And I didn't turn around to see the look in his eyes as I walked away from him for the last time.

O.O

I had hoped that a new relationship with James wouldn't have changed anything. I still wanted to focus on my schoolwork, especially with the rapid approach of the NEWT exams. While they were still several months away, the time seemed to fly by faster and faster each day. There was more pressure than ever to be perfect, and I intended to meet that goal to the best of my ability. I wanted to be a Healer, and they only accepted top marks for training. I didn't want any relationship interfering with that, and expected James to spend minimal amounts of time with me.

Of course, leave it to a boy to completely mess with your plans. Like it or not, James and I were already spending a great deal of time together with head duties, but now he seemed to be glued to my side. He made little jokes and rubbed my shoulders while I read for Transfiguration. While we sat and planned things out for social mixers, he would lean over and kiss my cheek, or pull me into a corner for a short snogging session. We would hold hands while we walked to class, or walked around on patrol. Things didn't change much, but they did change for the better.

At least, between the two of us. Things on the outside kept getting worse or worse. More of those black owls from the Ministry would arrive everyday, informing another student that a sister, brother, aunt, uncle, or even mother or father had been found dead. These letters were vague, and response to them was varied. Some became more reserved, some more emotional, and some just left, presumably to go to a funeral. Those never returned, though we weren't sure if this was the choice of the family or of the student.

It was an especially dark day when Gabby got one of those letters. Emilie got one as well, and went so sickly pale when the letter was dropped in front of her. She burst out crying and ran from the Great Hall, presumably to the Gryffindor Common Room. Gabby took it a little more gracefully and actually opened the letter to find out who it was. Her brother, Jean, had been killed in a fight on Diagon Alley. Her other brother, Alec, had managed to escape, but was being held in St. Mungo's under constant surveillance. They thought that he might be cursed with some unknown dark magic, because he didn't seem to be getting better.

Gabby was the strong, silent type in face of an emotional crises, so she merely stood and walked from the Great Hall. It was just like any other day, except she walked out alone. It didn't take us but a few minutes to chase after her. James and the rest of the Marauders were at our heels as we sprinted through the castle.

The common room was empty when we arrived, but we could hear Emilie crying from the girls dormitories. Deciding that Gabby would have followed the crying as well, we took the stairs two at a time, sliding to a heap at the bottom when Sirius tried to run up after us.

"You know boys can't go up these stairs!" Kathy yelled, reaching her hand out and hitting him on the head.

Sirius rubbed his head. "Sorry, I was more concerned with getting to Gabby than I was about a bunch of trick stairs," he muttered rudely.

Sighing impatiently, I dragged Christy and Kathy to their feet and hurried up the stairs. This time, the boys stayed at the bottom, watching us ascend. When we arrived in Emilie's room, we found the place a disaster. Clothes were strewed across the room, papers scattered across every surface, and empty potions bottles sticking out from under bed hangings. I wrinkled my nose at the disturbing smell coming from one corner of the room.

"I hope it wasn't like this before she got here..." Kathy muttered behind me. I simply nodded in response. We looked around the room and finally found both Emilie and Gabby sitting on a bed on the far side of the room, holding each other for comfort. We walked over and sat down beside them, putting our hands on their backs and knees to reassure them.

"It's not fair! Why Jean? What did he ever do to themmm?" Emilie cried, collapsing into another set of sobs.

"Shhh, ma cherie. He died how he always wanted to: fighting." Gabby sat rocking Emilie slowly, her face still set in stone, though the tear tracks down her face indicated she was not, in fact, as hard as she seemed.

"You still have each other, that's all that matters," Christy muttered sympathetically, rubbing circles along Emilie's back.

"But for how long?? How long until they take m-mum and da, and G-Gabby away from m-me toooo?"

Gabby shook her head quickly. "They'll never take me away, Emilie. Together we'll destroy them. It'll be okay in the end, you'll see." She sniffled and buried her face into Emilie's hair, probably stifling the sobs she needed to let out.

Faintly, I heard a light tapping on the window and slid away from the scene to investigate. It was another owl, though thankfully not a black one like those from the ministry. I opened the window and shuttered at the rush of cold air. The owl hopped through and flew to the furnace in the middle of the room. Christy walked over and took the letter from it's leg. She glanced at the curly writing on the front and gave me a weary glance.

"It's from your mum, Gabby," Christy said quietly. Emilie burst out in renewed sobs and Gabby rubbed her back and muttered something in French I didn't quite understand. After a moment, she held out her hand for the letter.

We all watched her carefully as she read through the letter. Her eyes flicked back and forth across the paper and the color seemed to drain from her face more than it already had. Her featured didn't change, even as she folded the letter back up and set it next to her on the bed. We waited in silence for her to divulge the news that had come.

After what seemed like hours, Gabby shifted Emilie and looked at us. "She wants us to come home," she announced.

"You can't! You won't be safe at home!" Kathy argued.

I nodded mutely in agreement. Christy chimed in as well. "Everyone knows wherever Dumbledore is is the safest place you could be."

Gabby shook her head slightly. "She means home to... France. We're leaving Britian. V-Voldemort doesn't have any strong influence outside Britain yet. She thinks we'll be safe until after he's defeated."

The three of us just stood there, dumbfounded at her words. Emilie's small voice broke through the silence a few moments later. "What about Alec?"

Gabby took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "He's still at St. Mungo's. She's demanding that they transfer him to St. Geant in Lyon. She thinks she'll be able to convince them by the morning, and wants us ready to accompany her when the transfer is complete."

I began chewing my lip, trying to discern something on Gabby's face that would indicate she was prepared to fight against it. All I found was resignation. "You're going to go."

Gabby paused, then nodded slowly. She looked so tired and old at that moment. Far older than anyone our age should have looked. I walked over and hugged her tightly, forcing her to let go of Emilie.

Kathy, opting for a different tactic, began to shout. "Why? Why are you giving up so easily??" she cried.

I released her from the hug and squeezed her hand. She turned and looked at Kathy. "I have no choice. I can't stay here anymore. Not now."

"Of course you can stay here! There's no other option!" Kathy screamed.

Gabby took and deep breath and stood, her eyes suddenly blazing in anger. "You haven't lost half your family in one swoop, Kathy. You haven't a clue how I feel right now! I can't stay and fight. I can't make my mother and my little sister feel any more pain than they already feel. I have to go, get them as far out of danger as I can!"

Kathy took a deep breath as if she was going to respond, but instead turned around and walked out of the room. Christy glanced between the door and Gabby, but soon followed Kathy out. Emilie sat curled up on the bed, closing her eyes against the fighting around her.

Sighing, I stood and squeezed Gabby's shoulder. "Do what you have to do. Just... try to keep in touch. They're angry with you now, but they'll come to understand. They just need time..."

Gabby looked at me, sadness filling her eyes. "I don't think it's that easy, Lily." With that, she walked out of the room as well, leaving me with my head spinning at the events of the past hour.

O.O

A/N: Review for me? Pretty please? It makes me feel good.


	8. Long Days and Nights Ahead

A/N: Sorry for the delay, everyone. I spent November writing my novel for NaNoWriMo, and didn't have much of a chance to pick up the fic and work on it any more. Then I got caught up in life and just managed to get some real plot down yesterday. I think this is one of my longest chapters, though, so hopefully that makes up for it a little.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last chapter. I was so happy to see so many people reading and actually reviewing.

O.O

Chapter Seven: Long Days and Nights Ahead

Gabby and her sisters left on the train the next day with a group of other students whose families had also pulled them out of school. The Marauders and us girls saw them off, then walked silently back to the castle. The school seemed half empty now, and the remaining students went through their usual rituals with a tone of solemnity.

When Christmas break finally came, the school emptied out even more. I decided to stay at Hogwarts that year, as it would have been safer than going home to a muggle family. I didn't want my parents and sister to be targeted because I was there. I also knew that no matter how grave I made the situation sound, my parents would not follow in the footsteps of Gabby's family; they would not leave their home for anything.

I was consequently left in the company of Remus (who had so graciously turned down an invitation to James' house, one he had offered to me as well), and a few younger muggleborns who likely had the same fears as I did. I often spent my alone time over break wondering how many people would really come back; it would certainly be fewer than had left, especially if something major happened over break.

For the most part, the break was quiet. I ate my meals with Remus at the small table that had been left in the Great Hall, and spent the rest of my time in the quiet library, reading up on various charms and spells that I thought might be of help during NEWT exams, which approached despite the threat to the world outside them. We heard a little of what was going on beyond the walls of the castle. It was rarely good news: the ministry had closed down quidditch pitches around the country after several small attacks in the crowds, attacks on muggleborn witches and wizards and their families were increasing, especially as the students were now at home for the holidays, and there were constantly new disappearances.

I scanned the Daily Prophet constantly for any notice that my own parents were at risk, but the search turned up nothing every time. Dumbledore and some of the other professors made what seemed to be extraordinary effort to lighten up the holiday mood, decorating the entire castle more than I remembered it being decorated in the past. House elves delivered fresh warm drinks to the common room every morning. There were more than a few suits of armor that would belt out Christmas carols as students passed them by. Even the portraits made an effort by decorating their frames.

Still, it was so quiet in the castle without the rest of the student body that it almost seemed like a fruitless effort to brighten the holidays. A few people came back after Christmas to celebrate New Year's, and there were more than a few bottles of butterbeer had on that particular night.

It was nice when the rest of the students came back, though there were much fewer than there were before break. The halls were about half as empty as they had been at the beginning of the year, and I suspected that most people had simply fled the country before anything could happen to them.

James didn't waste any time hunting me down. I was reading a book in the common room, trying to keep my toes warm next to the fire, when he bounded in and demanded to know where I was. Hearing his cheerfulness, I shrank back into the sofa and willed myself to disappear. I could feel the blood flow to my face as he moved further into the room, still looking for me. I always did hate it when he made these big entrances.

Unfortunately, my hair gave me away. Even though red is prominent in the common room, I stick out like a sore thumb. He smiled and came bounding up to me, then scooped me up off the couch and kissed me as if we had been apart for years. I put my arms around his neck to stabilize myself and enjoyed the moment.

When he released my lips, I smirked up at him. "Missed me that much, hmm?"

He nuzzled into my neck in response, dropping us down onto the sofa. "The three letters a day wasn't enough indication for you?"

I giggled, remembering the poor owls that tapped on my window each morning, afternoon and night. "I suppose that's a pretty good indication there," I remarked.

I heard a throat clearing behind me and glanced up to see Sirius walking up to us, rolling his eyes at his best friend's antics. "He couldn't shut up about you, either. It was worse than it was before you two actually admitted you had feelings for each other."

I raised my eyebrow at James. "And just how much did you talk about me before."

He shrugged and quickly changed the subject. "How did you like your Christmas present?"

I reached up and fingered the delicate necklace around my neck. It was a warm gold, and had a broomstick with a small ruby in the handle for a charm. "It's beautiful, as I've told you several times already."

He pulled me closer and rested his head against my shoulder. "Well, I couldn't really believe you until I heard you say it," he said. "You might've just said that to be nice."

Brushing my fingers through his hair slowly, I smiled. "Do you believe me now?"

He nodded slightly and nuzzled into my neck a little more. Sirius had dropped down into the armchair across from us to talk to Remus and Peter, shaking his head slowly. "He's acting as if he's a kid who's been told he can keep the new kitten," he said in a loud whisper. I smiled at him and James sent him a nasty look, which earned a barking laugh.

I saw Kathy and Christy walk into the room out of the corner of my eye. I turned to look at them, glad to know they had made it back to the castle safely. I caught Kathy's eye, but she wrinkled her nose and turned to walk up the stairs. Christy bit her lip slightly and reluctantly followed.

"I guess they still haven't forgiven me," I noted. The air felt heavier around me and I slumped against James' shoulder. He spun to look at what I had seen and rubbed his hand along my back in slow circles.

"Don't worry about them," he said. "They're just upset that they've lost a friend to the war."

I frowned and shook my head. "But we haven't lost her. She's still alive; her family just wanted to get out of danger."

Remus, looking weaker than he had throughout the break, spoke up. "They don't see it that way. She's gone, and they don't know when they'll see her again, if at all."

I sighed softly. "She's out of danger for now. They shouldn't be mad at me for supporting her decision to go. She would have gone regardless."

Sirius rolled his eyes again. "You're a woman, and you still expect to understand how some women think? They're irrational creatures, controlled by their emotions."

I threw a glare at him and he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows slightly. James drew my attention away. "They'll come around," he assured me and kissed my forehead lightly. I smiled and leaned against him, watching the students get reacquainted after their long break from one another. It almost seemed normal.

O.O

The students seemed to get back into the flow of school fairly quickly. After the first couple days of classes, I heard more and more complaints, especially from the fifth and seventh years, about all the essays they had to write and how many pages they had been assigned to read that night.

One evening after dinner, James caught me in the common room. I had spread my homework out across one of the coffee tables and was frantically making new notes in the columns of my books, trying to piece together small bits of information into an understandable essay. He spotted me and walked up behind me, taking a seat on the sofa and rubbing my shoulders slowly.

"Relax," he whispered, rubbing his fingers into the muscles of my neck. "You're working too hard."

I shook my head slightly. "I have to get this done. I haven't even had time to put together the patrol schedule for next week yet, I'm so far behind on my homework."

He smiled and rotated his fingers against the stiff muscles of my shoulders. "And you won't do anyone any good if you're stressed out. Come take a walk with me."

I frowned, examining two tidbits of information closely. "I can't now, James. Maybe later."

He sighed softly. "You've been telling me later all week, Lily. I just want to spend some time with you."

I didn't even bother looking up from my notes. "You spend time with me all the time, James. We're spending time together now."

He frowned and turned me towards him slowly. I resisted for a moment, then turned to him, my annoyance with him clearly showing. "I don't consider watching you do your homework or the patrol schedule actually spending time with you. And you're stressing yourself out with all this work. You need a break, something to get away from it all."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of my nose slightly. "I don't have time, now, James. Maybe this weekend."

His jaw clenched and I turned back to my work. His hands moved over my shoulders, still trying to coax me into agreeing with him. "You know you need a break. You're probably getting another headache now. Besides, we haven't spent any real time together since the beginning of the term. This isn't what I had in mind for our relationship."

I whipped around, my hair hitting his forearms with soft slaps. "This isn't what _you_ had in mind? All this is important to me, James. I can't just abandon my schoolwork because you are feeling a little insecure. I can't just abandon my duties because you want to have a little fun. I thought you understood that." My voice had gotten progressively louder throughout my miniature speech, and I could tell he was trying his best to restrain himself. We do have matching tempers, after all.

"All you care about is your schoolwork. You don't pay attention to the world around you anymore. Your friends have turned their backs on you, and so you shut off the rest of the world. You don't care about anything anymore," he declared, looking down at me with angry eyes.

"I don't care?" I gasped. "How dare you suggest such a thing! I care about what's happening outside these walls more than you can imagine. My family is at risk. Every. Single. Day. And it's all my fault. I can't do anything to protect them, because I'm too busy trying to protect other things. I try to distance myself from them so that they don't get caught in this crazy war! And what do I have to show for it? A sister who can't stand to be in the same room as me for longer than ten minutes!"

My words clearly angered him, as he threw up his hands in frustration and stormed up the stairs to his dormitory. I saw Sirius follow him up, glaring at me as he moved. Peter followed, keeping his eyes downcast as he darted up the stairs. Remus stood up as well and made to follow. He seemed torn as to which way he should go, and finally opted to trek up the stairs.

More than a little frustrated myself, I waved my wand to gather all my papers into my shoulder bag. I knew more than a few curious eyes would be watching me, so I glanced up and glared at every person I could make eye contact with. I threw the bag over my shoulder and walked out of the common room, opting to study in the quiet of the library.

O.O

Over the next couple weeks, James and I had a rather tense relationship. I spent most of my extra time in the library, and he opted to spend his extra time with his friends. I found myself missing just being around him. I had taken it for granted, and tried to make amends by sitting by him during classes. He remained civil, but was certainly not warm. I tried to speak to him on more than one occasion, but we'd end up fighting again. He would argue that I didn't care, and I would argue that he couldn't understand what I was going through.

It seemed as though we reached a sort of stalemate. We hadn't dissolved our relationship completely, but we weren't trying very hard to mend it, either. I'm not sure which was worse.

I found myself spending more time alone, because any company would fray at my nerves. I would snap at first years in the library who were continuously flipping through their books, or tapping their fingers on the tables. The sound of conversation in the Great Hall bothered me for some reason I couldn't identify. I usually ended up walking to the kitchens for dinner and finding an empty classroom do eat and do my work in.

At night, I would have terrible nightmares about dark wizards attacking and torturing my family and friends before my eyes. I would dream that Sev had turned me over to them in an effort to keep me away from James. I would dream that a bright green symbol hung over my house, my parents long dead inside. Each time, I woke up gasping for air, with my throat raw, as if I had been screaming. I would be unable to get back to sleep, and there was no one I could talk to about these dreams, to get any sort of reassurance. I was alone, and it bothered me.

Finally, one night I caught James alone in the common room. I didn't see the rest of the Marauders around, which made me curious. Cautiously, I walked up and sat down next to him. He didn't look up at me, so I took his hand in mine. We sat there silently for a few moments before he finally spoke.

"Willing to spend time with me now?" he asked quietly.

I sighed. "I'm sorry, James. I really do care about you, there's just so much going on that I'm not sure where I need to turn my attention."

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, and kept his stone-like facade. "So, why should we continue on? If I fall at the bottom of your list of priorities, what sort of relationship can we really have?"

I bit my lip, feeling my chest swell with shame. "I deserve that. These past few weeks, I've felt... lost. Not having you force me to take a break or just sitting with you has put me more on edge. It seems I need you more than I was willing to admit before." I looked down at our fingers and moved mine slowly, trying to make as much contact to him as I could. I didn't want to look up at him and see the disbelief in his face. I didn't want to chance seeing rejection there.

He heaved a sigh and squeezed my hand gently. "You're too stubborn for your own good, Lily. I want to be there for you and help you with all this, but I'm not sure we can continue this way. Things need to change, else we will both lose our sanity."

Slowly, I tilted my head up to look into his eyes and nodded slowly. "I know I need to change. I'll do whatever I can. Just... be patient with me."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead softly. "I'll try."

I smiled and nuzzled against him slightly, and his arm wrapped around me to pull me tighter against his side. It wasn't the joyous reunion I was hoping for, but it was the best result. We were back on good terms, and I knew my nightmares would subside as long as I had that reassurance. If not, at least I would have someone to talk about them to now. Someone who cared about me enough to listen.

O.O

A/N: I mentioned I did NaNo. If you want to read a few excerpts of my original fiction pieces, head on over to my livejournal. You can read excerpts of my NaNo at: .com/tag/nano. Feel free to comment and let me know what you think :)


	9. Rise and Fall

A/N: Sorry for the wait everyone. Been busy with my new job, and have let my writing slack a lot. I'm not going to be able to meet the deadline I set for my novel, but that's ok. I have a while before I need to submit something to be published. At any rate, here's the next chapter. It's shorter than I would like, and I think it's mighty rushed towards the end, but I was running out of inspiration. Any comments are welcome.

O.O

Chapter Eight: Rise and Fall

The weather outside through the months of January and February seemed to reflect everyone's mood very well. The castle seemed to have a chill itself, despite the warming charms and fires throughout the building. The wind howled against the windowpanes in the dormitories and classrooms, making them rattle more than usual. When the snow wasn't blowing, the skies were an eerie shade of gray that seemed to descend upon all life around the castle.

James and I, as heads, did our best to keep up the morale of the school. There was talk of the board closing the school after the year was over due to the threat of war, and the students were downtrodden at this prospect. It took quite some effort, but we managed to arrange for another Hogsmeade weekend, the weekend just before Valentine's Day. We also arrange for Honeydukes to send some of their sweets to the school for those who were unable to go to Hogsmeade, something I saw excited more than one first year.

Of course, in order for McGonagall to agree to the weekend, James and I had to patrol through Hogsmeade to keep an eye out for anything suspicious. We had help from some of the professors, naturally, but it certainly put a damper on James' plans for the weekend.

"It's worth it," he told me. "Besides, I'll still get to spend the whole day with you." He smiled in that quirky way of his and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I smiled and pointed back to the sheets of parchment sitting on the table before us. "We'll have to make a loop around the village, then walk along the main street. At the end of the day, we'll have to make sure everyone gets back into the carriages to go back to the castle, and wait behind until we receive word that everyone is safely back inside the castle."

He nodded slightly and pointed at the map. "Slughorn has agreed to patrol this end of town, Flitwick will monitor the other end, and Hagird and Sinistra will be monitoring the students throughout the village, and Hooch will keep an eye on things from up above."

"Sounds like we've got everything planned out. Let's just hope everything goes as planned," I said.

James wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head against my shoulder. "Everything will work out just fine. You'll see."

I leaned back against him and hoped he was right.

O.O

The anticipation of getting out of the castle made the week leading up to the Hogsmeade weekend drag on for what seemed like ages. Finally, Friday night came and the common room was bustling with students making last minute plans for the next day. Girls were talking to their friends, trying to decide what to wear on their dates, boys were doing anything to get rid of their nervous energy, the younger students were excited to fill their stockpiles of candy and chocolate that had been depleted over the past month, and the older students were just excited to get a day away from the worries of classes.

I saw Christy and Kathy speaking low in a corner and almost went over to talk to them. They were still mostly ignoring me, except when the situation required we talk. Kathy was still upset with me for agreeing with Gabby to leave Britain, though we had received letters saying how happy the family was in France now. Their mother was anxious still about the closeness to the war, and was considering moving the family to Italy over the summer. Emilie seemed quite thrilled at that prospect.

"It seems our plan worked," I said, looking up at James. I was resting my head on his lap by the fire while he refereed a chess game between Sirius and Remus. Peter was still deciding which to cheer on.

He looked down at me and smiled. "And what plan might that be?"

I nodded around the room. "To raise the morale of the students. They all seem thrilled about tomorrow."

He ran his fingers through my hair. "Can you blame them? Besides, there haven't been any major attacks in the past few weeks, so I think everyone feels comfortable that their families might finally be safe."

I closed my eyes. "Mmm... that is always a good thing."

Remus raised his eyebrow at us. "Don't get too comfortable. If we can expect anything from this Dark Lord, it's that he doesn't go down without a fight. I suspect he's just gathering his forces together now."

Sirius reached across the board and punched Remus in the shoulder. "Don't spoil the mood, Moony."

Remus smiled and moved one of his pieces. "I'll spoil yours now. Checkmate."

Gasping, Sirius looked around the board, trying to refute his defeat. Apparently not finding any loophole, he stood, conjured a glove and hit it against Remus' face. "I demand a rematch!"

James chuckled and pulled me back as Remus stood, narrowing his eyes slightly. "You did not hit me."

Sirius puffed out his chest and smirked. "I believe I challenged you to a rematch," he said in his most pompous voice.

I shifted out of the way just in time for the two to start wrestling. Having spent time with the Marauders for some time, I simply shook my head and continued reading my book, hoping they would end it themselves before anyone was hurt.

James leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Shall we leave these two to sort out their differences and get a little dessert?"

I smiled. "That would be fabulous."

O.O

The next morning, I woke bright and early to lead the first group of students down to Hogsmeade. It was snowing lightly outside, so I made sure to bundle up in my warmest coat and gloves. James met me in the common room, and we made our way downstairs together. McGonagall and Filch were in the entrance hall checking off names as students filed into two lines. The students chattered happily as they waited, and most of them were as bundled up as I was.

We led them out of the castle and towards the carriages that would bring us to the village. James somehow managed to secure a carriage of our own, at the front of the line, and sat beside me as we bounced along the well worn road.

"Are you ready for a day of fun and excitement?" he asked, whispering in my ear.

I raised my eyebrow and looked up at him. "We have to patrol all day. How much fun and excitement can we possibly have?"

He smiled and kissed my nose lightly. "You greatly underestimate me if you think today will be boring," he said as the carriage stopped. I tilted my head in confusion, but he simply hopped out of the carriage and helped me down. He turned to the students that were gathering in front of us, waiting to be led into the village. "Remember, if you see anything suspicious, tell either myself, Lily, or one of the professors. If you see sparks in the air, you are to report back here immediately to go back to the castle. Now go and have a good time!"

Whoops and cheers filled the air as the students rushed towards the village. Groups broke off at each of the shops they passed, until only a few remained strolling in the street. James took my arm. "Shall we?"

I rolled my eyes and nudged him with my shoulder. "We have some rounds to do," I said.

He smirked at me. "And then we have a date."

I raised my eyebrow suspiciously. "We have to make rounds every hour. How do you expect to have a date with that obligation?"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small broom. Smiling, he waved his wand and enlarged it to normal size.

My eyes widened and I backed away slightly. "Oh, no. I'm not going on that broom with you, James."

He reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me closer to him. "And why not?" he asked, his grin growing wider.

"You know why. I do watch you play Quidditch, James. I know how... wild you can be on a broom."

"Aww, Lily. Don't you trust me?"

I rubbed my chin to consider his question. "Not on a broom, no."

His smile grew wider. "Well, we'll just have to change that, won't we?" With that, he straddled the broom and scooped me up in his arms. Without giving me any time to react, he took off, rising high enough above the ground to make me think twice about jumping off. I wrapped my arms around his neck quickly and closed my eyes tightly. I could feel, rather than hear, him chuckle beneath me, but I didn't care. I had never been fond of brooms, and certainly not his style of flying.

He urged the broom forward, and we made a slow turn of the village, watching as the last of the students got out of the carriages and began to explore. I snuggled against him, trying to block out the wind. Finally, he tilted the broom back at the ground and landed next to the Shrieking Shack, which had become quite notorious for ghosts in recent years.

I hopped off the broom without a second thought and glared at him. "There are better ways to do our duties, you know," I said, narrowing my eyes more at him.

He simply chuckled. "But I get to spend more time with you this way, and we have a better view of the village." He walked up to me and kissed me lightly on the cheek. "Come on. You're freezing now. We'll get you some butterbeer to warm you up."

With that, James took my hand and led me through the crowd of students to the Three Broomsticks, and into an isolated corner that had not yet been infiltrated by students. He silenced my protests each time with a kiss until I finally sighed and let him lead the way. After he set me at a table, he went up to the bar, reappearing a few moments later with two butterbeers in hand. I smiled and accepted mine gratefully.

"So, what did you plan for today, then?" I asked after I had sufficiently warmed up.

He put on a mask of innocence and smiled cheerfully at me. "What makes you think I planned anything?"

I raised my eyebrow at him and looked at him sternly. "You go through all the trouble of bringing your broom so we can do rounds more quickly while we're here, and then try to tell me you didn't plan anything?"

He looked sheepish as he sipped his butterbeer. "Well, I might've planned something..."

I got apprehensive at his words. "Please tell me you didn't do anything elaborate..."

He reached over and took my hand, brushing his thumb over the back of it slowly. "Don't worry. Today is just about us."

For some reason, this didn't do much to reassure me.

O.O

It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Between our rounds of the village, we had a picnic on the roof of one of the shops. It was nice and private, and James managed some fancy charm work to keep us warm. We got a lovely view of the lake and could still keep an eye on the happenings around us. And, surprisingly enough, nothing bad happened. A few days later, we'd hear of some minor skirmishes that happened not too far from Hogsmeade, and were merely thankful that nothing came as far as us.

Every hour, we would do our aerial tour of the town, and occasionally had to break up a duel, though these were just students messing around. Unfortunately, we had to send these students back to the castle, under the watchful eye of one of the professors.

Overall, the weekend was a success, though. The morale in the castle seemed greatly improved as students made their way back to their dorms, bags full of sweets and treats, and sometimes even pranks. Chatter filled the common room more than it had in months, and people seemed to forget the horrors happening outside our small world.

Still, this peace we had so recently found could not last forever. The happiness James and I had that day was shattered that very night.

The Marauders and I were sitting in front of the fire. Sirius and Peter were absorbed in a game of wizard's chess, and Remus was flipping through one of the many books he had. James and I were sitting there, talking and idly doing some homework, when we heard a tapping at the window. One of the younger students opened the window, and a snowy owl flew in and landed on James' shoulder. He took the letter from its leg and gave it a treat from his pocket. It hooted softly and flew back out the open window.

"Who's it from?" I asked, looking up at him.

"My mum," he responded cheerfully, breaking the wax seal on the note.

Looking down at the essay in my lap, I began to write again. "What does she have to say?"

He remained silent long enough for my curiosity to be peaked, and I tilted my head to look back up at him. His face had gone from a healthy rosy color to a pale, almost gray color. I sat up in concern, and he took the opportunity to jump up from the couch. He glanced at me briefly, his eyes haunted, then started for the boys' dormitory.

I shot a glance at Sirius, who nodded and followed him up. I bit my lip and looked around, noticing that he had dropped his letter in the rush to leave the room. I looked at Remus, then walked over and picked up the note. After a moment of hesitation, I read through the note.

_James, you need to come home now. Your sister... she's very sick. You need to come home. Mum._

The ink was smudged in various places by teardrops that had long since dried. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach and handed the note to Remus. The short note changed my life forever.

O.O

A/N: Thanks for reading, and please leave a note telling me what you think!


	10. Topsy Turvey

A/N: First of all, I want to apologize for taking so long to get this chapter out. It was difficult to write, for more than one reason. I'm still not entirely sure I'm happy with it, but I want to get you all something to work with, so I'm making do with what I have. The story has deviated a great deal from the timeline I set for it, so I'm not actually sure how many chapters I'm going to have left. There are a few more big things happening, and I'll see what I can do from there. I'll try to get the next chapter up in less than a month, but I make no promises. I'm still trying to get used to my new life and all :)

At any rate, please tell me what you think, good or bad.

O.O

Chapter Nine: Topsy Turvy

It came as no surprise when Dumbledore granted James leave from school to go home. It was only an hour or so after the letter had arrived, long enough for James to compose himself and make the request. He flooed home immediately, and the other Marauders and I took the liberty to pack up some of his things. Sirius would join him the following day. He had made the argument to Dumbledore that he was as much a son to the Potters as James was, and after a quick note from Mrs. Potter arrived, Dumbledore agreed.

In the few minutes I had spent with James as he prepared to floo home, he had promised he would return to the school, which soothed my fears a little. Still, the expression on his face when he said it made me think he wasn't being entirely sincere. He wasn't very close to his sister, especially since she had opted to go to an all-girls school rather than Hogwarts, but I knew he loved her and would be lost if anything happened to her. The tone of his mother's note indicated that perhaps something grave had already happened to her, and James was just going home to her dead body. I knew that if he stayed away from the school, Sirius wouldn't come back either, and Remus and Peter wouldn't be too far behind. Losing one of the Marauders would be like losing all four, and that wasn't something that this school could really afford right now.

The next morning, breakfast was much quieter than usual. The word had gotten out that James had left, and there were many whispers as to why, but no one came right out and asked. His disappearance was just noticed, and the euphoria from the Hogsmeade trip the day before had died. After a few agonizing minutes sitting in the stillness of the Great Hall, I stood up and left. I heard footsteps follow behind me, but didn't pay them heed as I walked back up to the common room. I found an empty alcove, not difficult at this time of morning, and huddled inside it.

I had never met James' sister, only seen her correspondence to James a few times. She seemed to know a little about me, at least in the way her brother felt about me, but didn't focus on that much. James had told me a few times that she was a very smart girl, just rather secluded. She felt more at comfort in her own world than the world around her. I didn't exactly feel close to this sister, but her sudden illness worried me. I didn't sleep well after James left, and tried to focus on other things while I waited to hear from him.

Finally, Remus poked his head into my alcove and handed me a sealed letter. "It's from James."

I took the letter and nearly tore it apart in my haste to open it. As I read through it, my heart sank and my throat closed up. I looked back up at Remus. "She's dead."

He nodded gravely, and I could feel a tear slipping down my cheek. He moved closer and sat next to me. "James is strong. He'll make it through this alright."

"But what if he doesn't come back? How is he going to be able to handle the death of his sister on top of school and everything else that's happening?"

Remus wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "Lily, death has been a part of our lives for the past few years. It's gotten more and more serious as time has gone on. James knew that, and he knew the chances of one of his own family dying were pretty high, considering how they feel about the 'pure-blood' philosophy. He'll handle it, just like he always does."

I shook my head and leaned into him. "I'm just worried about him. What if he does something rash because of this? What if he doesn't come back to school? What if he decides he wants to go out and start fighting now? What if..."

He shook me. "Calm down. We're all here to help him through this, and he won't do anything that all of us would disapprove of. He cares too much about us. Don't worry about the what ifs, just be here for James."

I nodded and folded the note in my lap up again. "Do you know when he's coming back?"

He shrugged. "We haven't heard much from either the Potters or Sirius. I suspect they're busy with the funeral. We'll hear from them again soon."

James' leave worried many people in the school, particularly the prefects. Most everyone who had gone home didn't come back to school, and the school needed a Head Boy. The prefects had grown so used to James' crazy antics that they weren't looking forward to the leadership from a new, and likely much more serious, Head Boy. Many suggested that this replacement would be Justin Thorn, a Ravenclaw who paid so much attention to his studies, he was rarely seen outside the library. If he stepped up to the position, the life around the school would certainly be less lively.

Classes were much less lively without Sirius there, and I constantly felt an ache in my chest when I noticed James' empty chair. It seemed to be forever before he finally came back, though it was only about two weeks. He came back as quietly as he could, slipping into the common room while it was mostly empty, and immediately heading towards the dormitory he shared with the other Marauders. There were no announcements, very little notice, nothing to indicate that he was, actually, back at Hogwarts. Sirius followed closely behind him, more quiet than anyone had ever seen him before.

At the time, I was studying in the library, and was a little hurt that he came back without letting me know. I heard of his arrival through a paper airplane note Remus crafted and sent off to me. The librarian certainly wasn't happy with the disruption, and was even less happy when I made a large commotion gathering up my books and papers and rushed out of the library to get to the common room.

However, when I arrived in the common room, the Marauders were no where to be found. Deciding they were in their room, I slowly climbed the stairs, anxious to see James after so long. When I tapped lightly on the door, it was cracked open by Remus, who shook his head quickly and shut the door again. This quick action both infuriated and hurt me; the idea that James didn't even want to see me hadn't crossed my mind. I was tempted to start pounding on the door, but I stopped myself. I had to be patient, I knew that. So, I took up residence in the common room, sneaking glances towards the boy's staircase every few minutes in the hope that those tall friends of mine would make their way down.

Christy and Kathy came up to me while I was flipping through the Transfiguration book in a fruitless attempt to actually attempt the homework we had been given. They sat down on the couch, each on one side of me, and waited until I acknowledged them. I looked up warily, not in the mood to even try to argue with either of them. Kathy smiled weakly in response, and Christy remained looking cautiously at Kathy.

"Is it true? Is he back?" Kathy asked quietly, glancing up at the staircase to indicate who 'he' was.

I shrugged. "I haven't seem him," I responded shortly.

Christy sighed and rested her hand on my shoulder. "If he's back, there's hope for everyone. If James doesn't run away, maybe other people will chance coming back to Hogwarts..."

I shook my head. "Gabby's not coming back. We only have a few months left in school, and the war will certainly not be over by then. We don't even truly know what we're fighting against, so how can we stop it?"

Kathy pursed her lips at my declaration. "You can't know that, Lily."

"Kathy, I know how much you miss Gabby. I miss her too. But her family is doing what they can to stay safe. And James certainly isn't like the rest of the population at Hogwarts. One of the younger students, one from a family who is truly afraid and doesn't want to fight would be far more likely to encourage students to come back. James would go off and fight before he would run and hide. You know that," I responded with a cold glance.

Kathy seemed to be fighting the urge to respond, and Christy quickly took up the reigns. "Still, if James is back, then morale will go up. People will think there's hope after all. Like you said, if someone like James just gave up..." her voice trailed off and she bit her lip.

I sighed. "I don't know if he's back. I heard he was just like the rest of you, but he doesn't want to see me if he is. Everyone will know for sure soon enough, let's just leave it at that."

With a short nod, I stood and gathered up my papers. With the common room getting more and more crowded, I had a feeling that James wouldn't come out and announce himself for a while, so I opted to talk a walk. Just to try to sort out my thoughts about the war and death and James.

I ended up in an empty classroom, one of the few with a fire burning on the weekend. I sat next to the hearth and stared out the window onto the grounds below. There wasn't much activity down there, as the day was cold and windy.

I heard the door of the classroom open and sat up to see who it was. The door shut as I caught sight of it, and no one stood there. I assumed someone had walked in and seen me there, then opted to give me the privacy I sought in the room. Which is why when I heard a desk scrape against the stone floor, I jumped up and aimed my wand at the offensive desk. I stared at the blank space uneasily and slowly moved around it, darting my eyes in every direction to catch sight of whoever else was in the room.

"Peeves," I said at last. "Shouldn't you be bothering some third years? Or perhaps rattling some chains in the dungeons to bother Filch?"

"Last I saw, he was actually up in Divination, trying to convince ol' Pumpernickel that she can actually see the future," an oddly familiar voice said.

"James?" I asked cautiously, lowering my wand only a fraction of an inch.

He pulled off his invisibility cloak and gave me a slight grin. "In the flesh."

One moment I was standing there, staring dumbfounded at him. The next, I had leaped into his arms and was giving him the tightest hug I could muster. "Oh, James! I'm so glad you're back. I was worried that you might not come back, that I might never see you again."

He wrapped his arms around me gingerly and held me close for a few minutes. After a time, he released me and held me out at arm's length. "I'm sorry I didn't come to see you sooner. I wanted to speak with the Marauders first."

I smiled weakly and took his hand. "Don't be sorry. I'm just glad you're back." I pulled him closer to the fire and conjured up a sofa to curl up on. "You're freezing. Stay and warm up a bit."

He nodded and sat on the sofa, motioning for me to sit beside him. Within ten minutes, we had shifted positions so his head was resting in my lap and his feet were dangling off the edge. I ran my fingers through his hair slowly, massaging his scalp a little with each run. He looked so much like a little boy that my heart broke a little watching him. We sat in silence for some time, just spending time together and forgetting about our other worries.

Finally, he spoke. "You remind me of her, you know."

My eyebrows came together in confusion and I looked down at him. "Who?"

He turned so he was looking up at me and brushed his finger against my cheek. "My sister. She was smart, like you are. Also liked to keep to herself, and loved to read. You would've liked her, I think."

I smiled slightly and closed my eyes to fight the tears that were threatening to spill. "I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to meet her, then."

He nodded sadly and sat up some. "She liked you, though. Or, rather, she liked the effect you had on me. I was the happiest when we were together, you know, or even when you gave me a little attention all those years ago. She knew things would work out between us, which gave me hope."

I leaned over and kissed his cheek softly. "I hope I can live up to her expectations of me, then."

He pulled me close and rested his head on top of mine. "You already have. I love you, Lily."

Nuzzling into his neck, I sighed softly. "I love you too, James."

His sister was dead, and I was sure his parents weren't doing well with her loss. Still, in that moment, everything seemed like it would work out in the end. I just wasn't sure how far in the future that end would be.

O.O

A/N: Reviews are nice :)


	11. Conflicting Views

A/N: First of all, I want to apologize for taking so long to get this chapter up. A lot of things happened, and unfortunately, this fic just wasn't a priority of mine. I actually wrote this entire chapter today. It took me a little longer than usual, because I was going somewhere else than where I ended up and it took me a while to let the story take over on its own. This is also the last full chapter. The next chapter that I upload will be the epilogue, and then I'm done. This is a story 4 years in the making, and I'm glad to finally finish it. I'll hopefully get the epilogue up in the next week or so. It shouldn't be that difficult to write, but I want to wait til Monday to start writing it so that it'll count towards my June writing count. Thanks for reading and sticking with me through all the waiting.

O.O

Chapter Ten: Conflicting Views

James' presence in the school was immediately noticed. The morale rose significantly, and students seemed to go back to their naturally chatty selves. The school seemed to come alive again, and the Marauders made sure to take advantage of the liveliness by pulling more pranks than they ever had before. Of course, the vast majority of the pranks were pulled on the Slytherins, so they were frequently identified around the school as the ones with green hair or boils on their skin.

I put up with this for quite some time; I knew it was his way of coping with things. Still, as NEWTs got closer, and I focused more on studying, his pranking habits seemed more and more outlandish, and led to a few disagreements.

One particular evening, I was studying in an alcove in the common room when I heard Sirius laughing loudly in the main room. Sighing to myself, I blocked out the sounds with a wave of my wand and resumed my studying. A few minutes later, I was interupted when Sirius crashed through the barrier, swaying and clearly drunk from Firewhiskey, to show me pictures of their latest prank, a spell that made the remaining Slytherins walk on their hands whenever they walked into certain parts of the castle.

I snapped my book shut and stood to my full height, which was still several inches shy of Sirius. "I don't have time to deal with your crazy antics right now, Sirius. We have a month and a half before school ends, before we're out in the real world. You won't be able to hide behind your pranks forever," I scolded.

He raised his eyebrow at me. "You think any of this is really going to matter in six months, a year? We're in a war. How you do in school isn't going to mean shite out there."

My temper got the better of me, as it usually does when I'm already stressed. "You just don't want to grow up and face reality. Well, you're going to get kicked out of school and will get a lovely dose of reality come graduation, and you won't have anything to your name!" I shouted.

His temper made him sober up some. "My name? My name is associated with the very people out there killing muggles and muggleborns like yourself! No one on the good side trusts me, except the very friends I spend all my time with. I don't want to deal wth reality, and I'm surprised you do, with all the death around and your friends abandoning you."

James made his appearance on the scene at this time. "What's going on?" he asked cautiously, glancing back and forth between me and his best friend.

"Your girlfriend here has a stick up her arse," Sirius explained.

I rolled my eyes. "Your best friend doesn't want to grow up. We're leaving Hogwarts in a month and a half, and he doesn't want to accept that he can't think of himself as a student anymore."

James shrugged. "I don't blame him. There's not much to look forward to. We're not in the happy-go-lucky times we were in 5 years ago. We have death and suffering to look forward to when we leave, but while we're still in school, we can at least pretend to enjoy ourselves."

I clenched my teeth to prevent myself from snapping at him. "That doesn't mean we can just ignore what we're here for. The NEWTs will help us determine what we can do out there. They'll affect us for th rest of our lives, regardless of how much longer this war goes on."

James shook his head slowly. "Not many of us are going to survive this war, Lily. Sirius is going to fight. Remus doesn't have much choice since he wouldn't be able to find any real jobs anywhere. I'm going to join them. With that, we're just killing time until the end of school."

My mouth had dropped open. "You have a death wish, don't you?"

"I just want to do what's right."

"So you're going to put yourself right in the thick of things without even talking to me about it first?" I exclaimed.

"It's my life, Lily," he said nonchalantly.

I felt tears stinging my eyes. "Your life, then. I guess I don't have a place in it anymore." I turned back to my schoolwork and began gathering my books, parchment, and quills.

"Lily, it's not like that..." James tried.

I looked up at him, my eyes red, and shook my head. "I have studying to do. You know where to find me if you care to join me." I stuffed the last of my things in my backpack and walked out of the common room. I made it all the way to the back of the library, where few students ventured, before I broke down and started crying.

O.O

In the days that followed, I spent most of my time outside of class in the library. I went to the kitchens just before meals and grabbed a quick bite off the tables before the food was sent up. I avoided the common room, and made it back to my dormitory late at night, after I had done rounds. James and I split the rounding schedule so that one of us was always doing the last walk of the night, which meant that we alternated days, rather than walked together. Most nights, I cried myself to sleep.

It was rather childish to avoid James like I did at that time, but I justified it with the idea I had that he didn't want me in his life. After all, he had gone and made decisions about his life after school without even talking to me about it, implying that I wasn't going to be there after school ended. I hated not being around him so soon after his sister died, as I knew he hadn't recovered from it yet. Still, it somehow seemed to be the best idea at the time.

It took James a week to find me. I was sitting in my usual place in the library, reading through our Transfiguration book for probably the third time that week. I had been making notes in the columns, and my fingertips were now covered in ink as a result. I was so absorbed in my notes that I didn't hear him come up behind me, but I felt a slight tingling on the back of my neck, indicating that _someone_ was there. Before he came within an arm's length of me, I was standing with my wand pointed at his neck.

"Well, no one can fault you for your reflexes," he said, holding his hands up in surrender.

I looked him up and down slowly, then set my wand on the table and sat down again. "Why are you here?"

He shrugged and sat in the chair next to me, close enough that I could smell his cologne. "I thought we should talk."

I nodded and twirled my quill slowly. "About time."

He groaned and stood up quickly. "Dammit, Lily. Why do you have to be so difficult?"

My lips curled in an ironic smile. "How would you feel if I told you I was taking a job in... Brazil as soon as school finished?"

He shrugged. "I'd accept it as something you want to do."

"Bull. You'd wonder why I'd put going to Brazil over you, and you'd likely think our relationship was over, if not now, then by the time I was gone for a few weeks."

He sighed and sat back down, taking my hand in the process. "Is that what you think? That I don't want a relationship with you anymore?" he asked tenderly.

"You said it yourself... it's your life," I said, my voice dropping in volume.

It was awhile before he responded. "I shouldn't have said that. I've just been fighting with myself for the past few weeks... I should have been there for my sister, and instead she dies while I'm not there."

"So... you react by wanting to go off and fight, leaving the rest of your loved ones alone?" I asked, my eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

He winced and shook his head. "I want to fight so that I can make the world safe for the ones I love. My parents and you, and Sirius and Remus, even Peter."

I laughed softly. "You sure have an odd way of protecting people."

His face look pained, and it took a moment before he spoke again. "I know I haven't been myself recently. I know I'm pushing you away. I don't want that. I love you, Lily, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

I could feel my face getting hot and my palms sweat. I wanted to pull my hand away from him, show him how much I was hurting, but he held it so firmly that I couldn't. "I don't know who you're going to become. I don't know if I'll love the person you become. I mean, it took me several years to admit I loved the person you were. I don't.... I don't want to lose you, James. I don't want to wake up one day and realize I'm with a man I don't know anymore."

He leaned down and kissed my fingertips. "We're both going to change, Lily. That's part of growing old. It doesn't help that we're going to be forced into a world that is going to force us to change. We won't be living easy lives unless we leave everythin behind. But that doesn't mean that we won't know each other, that we won't love each other anymore. We'll be there for each other, every step of the way."

I reached up and wiped a tear forming at the corner of my eye. "Even with you vowing to go off and fight. We won't be able to fight together. We'll spend nights alone, see horrible things, and have no one to sleep with at night. Is that really what you want?"

He squeezed my hands. "No, that's not what I want, but it's what I have to do. I can't just run away, Lily. That's not who I am, and you know that. I wouldn't be the same person if I stood on the sidelines and watched my friends get hurt and die."

I shook my head slowly. "I guess we're at an impasse, then."

He tilted my head up to look me in the eyes. "Lily, this war can't go on forever. We'll make it through this, together, and we'll grow old together. We're not mere muggles, either. We can apparate and see each other all the time, even in the time of battle. We can do this, if you're willing to give it a chance."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. My thoughts spun through all the possibilities of what he was suggesting: the long nights alone, the days spent worrying about him fighting, the thought of losing him. I opened my eyes and looked at him again. "One condition."

His smile was hesitant. "What's that?"

"We fight together."

I saw him pull away into himself, horrified at my suggestion. I bit my lip, preventing myself from talking. He needed to think about what I was suggesting, and the more I spoke, the more likely he was to reject it.

"I... can't let you do that," he said at last. "I can't let you put yourself in harm's way."

"James, if anything were to happen to you while you were out fighting and I was staying at home being a good housewife, I couldn't live with myself. I can match you in my magical abilities. If we fight as a team, we're less likely to get hurt, and few people will be able to stop us." I tried to explain as the idea formed in my mind. "Besides, you know I'll hunt you down and fight with you anyway if I think something is wrong. So there's really nothing to debate."

He loosened up slightly and pulled me into his lap. "Alright. We can fight together. But you have to do something for me in return."

I leaned my head against his shoulder and inhaled deeply, the pressure in my chest releasing significantly. "What's that?"

He took my hand and kissed my fingers lightly, then brushed his thumb over my fingers slowly. "Marry me, Lily."

When I think back on this moment, I am shocked that I didn't see it coming. Everything seemed to be in place for him to propose, but I was so caught up in our resolution that I just didn't see it. So, when the words finally came out of his mouth, I was quite literally speechless. I knew my silence was making him more nervous; after all, how many times in your life do you propose? Still, I couldn't find the words to give him an answer. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I kissed him.

It honestly felt like our first kiss all over again. Fireworks were bursting in my head and I could feel the muscles in my cheeks aching to smile. When I finally pulled back, his smile was present, but hesitant once again.

"Does that mean yes?" he asked, cautiously.

I smiled wider than I had ever smiled before and finally found my words again. "Yes, James. I'll marry you."

"In that case..." he smiled and pulled a ring out of his pocket, then slid it on my finger. "This was my grandmother's. My mom gave it to me when I went home for my sister's funeral. She said my sister had been wanting to send it to me since the start of the year, but never got around to it. She really thought everything would work out and that we'd get married. I guess she was right."

"She knew you well. I hope I can get to know you as well."

O.O

A/N: Don't forget to review for me. I appreciate it :)


	12. Epilogue

A/N: Thank you to everyone who stuck with me throughout this tale. And thank you to those of you who are also reading this for the first time. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

O.O

Epilogue

We managed to keep our engagement a secret for all of ten minutes or so. Somehow, the news traveled and by the time we got back to the common room, Sirius had put together some impromptu party for us. It was more than a little embarrassing, but there's no taming Sirius when he gets an idea in his head.

The following morning at breakfast, I sat with the Marauders. Christy and Kathy shot me some more strange looks at this action, but kept their distance. It was a little heartbreaking to see how distant we had really become this past year, but war's casualties don't always come in the form of bodies.

I left a little early to head up to the owlery. I had to post a letter to my parents and Petunia, letting them know the news. I knew my parents would be happy for me. Petunia, I wasn't so sure of. Of course, she'd hate the fact that I was marrying a wizard and she was stuck in her horribly normal life, but she might have a higher opinion of James than she did of Severus. If she ever got the chance to meet him, that is. I also posted a note to Gabby. She would be the one to shower me with congratulations, and add a few notes about how she knew the whole time I'd end up with James. We had tentatively set a date for just after graduation, on the Hogwarts grounds, and I sincerely hoped Gabby would be able to make it.

Throughout that first day, as news traveled, I had so many girls, from every year, coming up to me with recommendations about my dress, the flowers, the food. It seemed as if my wedding was something that all of Hogwarts wanted to plan. And likely attend as well. But, James and I made the decision early on that it would be a very intimate wedding; only our closest friends, family, and a few professors would be invited. For those first few weeks following our engagement, everything seemed absolutely perfect.

Reality had to hit us again sometime. There was a lull in the news from the war, but Voldemort evidently got his followers together and in line, as the attacks started up again. They were sporatic at first, but become more and more intense, to the point where the ministry was strongly considering closing the school down. McGonagall, Slughorn, and the other Heads fought hard against the closing, since Dumbledore was seen as the most powerful wizard in history. After all, he had defeated Grindelwald, and the threat of Voldemort hadn't yet reached those proportions.

Still, the school was on alert, and all exams were moved forward to ensure the students got home to their families quickly. The seventh years remaining took the NEWTs, though it seemed to many that our results wouldn't make much difference one way or the other.

As we were leaving our final exam, Dumbledore requested that several of us, including myself, the Marauders and a few other students from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, come to his office. We all arrived on time to a room filled with a few aurors and professors.

"Welcome. I have asked you all here today because you have shown great promise in your practical magic, as well as your determination to fight against the Dark Arts," he started, turning his piercing blue eyes to each of us in turn.

I bit my lip and moved closer to James, who had unconsciously put his arm around my waist. I didn't like the looks exchanged by the aurors in the room and was hesitant to hear Dumbledore out.

"With that in mind, I come to you with a proposal. A few months ago, I started gathering an army of sorts, to assist in fighting against Lord Voldemort. We can only defeat him and his army when we stand together. Some of the brightest and most talented young witches and wizards are gathered in this room now, and I have little doubt that we will defeat him. I am offering an invitation to join the Order of the Phoenix." He spoke quietly, but with an authority that could not be doubted. No wonder he was considered the most powerful wizard in the world.

"What does this Order do?" Remus asked, reading the question on many of our faces.

"We have members from all departments in the Ministry, to help us fight the corruption there. A few of our members are undercover in Voldemort's army. Mostly, though, we protect those who need to be protected and fight against the darkness that is slowly consuming these times."

"Sign me up," James said firmly. I bit my lip again, remembering the sorrow I felt when I first heard his determination to be on the front line.

Taking a deep breath, I stood up a little straighter. "I'm in too. I'll do anything I can to help."

Remus, glancing at each of the Marauders in turn, nodded as well. "I don't have any job prospects lined up."

Slowly, each member of the room came forward to volunteer. Several had fear in their eyes, likely knowing that they would not make it out of this war alive. More had sheer determination, desperately hoping to make the world better for any children they may have.

Dumbledore smiled gratefully. "This will certainly be a difficult, and dangerous, road to follow, and I understand if any of you does not wish to see it through. Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix."

After meeting some of the current members, we were dismissed and returned to our common rooms with explicit orders not to discuss the Order in a place where we might be overheard. Voldemort still had followers in the castle, after all.

It was this secret that I knew about that likely drove Christine and Katherine away for good, as I couldn't really discuss my plans for after school, only that I was going to fight in the war. They weren't too happy with that answer, and I haven't heard from them at all since graduation. Still, the Order was just the way in which James and I could fight together, side-by-side. It worked out much better than me trying to become an auror the conventional way, especially since that's not what I want to do once this war is over.

Now, it is time for me to join my love for good. We are now to become husband and wife, and no amount of evil in the world will tear us apart. It will truly be a bond that lasts until death, if not longer. While this is the end of my narrative, it is not the end of my journey. In fact, it's hardly the beginning. People don't really understand that life doesn't begin until you're out beyond the protection of your professors and parents. Real life doesn't work like the theory in classrooms says it does. But that's part of what makes it worth living. I only hope that James and I can live life to the fullest and lead rich lives together, with our loved ones close at hand.

O.O

A/N: This is the final chapter, so there will be no more updates after this. I do hope that if you've made it this far, you'll do me a kindness and review my story. I do love to hear what people think of my writing, good or bad.

For now, this also completes my last Work In Progress as far as fanfiction goes. I may come back and dabble a little with one-shots, but I'm swearing off chapter fics now. I've moved on to my own writing, and while I doubt I'll ever get published, I'm far more likely to with original fiction than I am with fanfiction. Thank you again for everyone who has ever read and reviewed my stories. I appreciate the time you took to leave me a note.


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